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“The ideal of conversation, which managed to marry lightheartedness with depth, elegance with pleasure, and the search for truth with a tolerant respect for the opinions of others, has never lost its appeal,” writes Benedetta Craveri in The Age of Conversation. I’m totally with her on this, but isn’t it getting hard to pull off these days? Surely you’ve been a guest at dinner parties where everyone talks at once. Or on a date that feels like a Senate filibuster? How about the gathering where a few are glued to the television or Internet—or worse, the cell phone. What ever happened to leisurely conversation, that great give-and-take, where folks talked without fear of being cut off? “The opposite of talking isn’t listening,” says writer Fran Lebowitz, “it’s waiting your turn.” Why not be the woman who brings back conversation as a seduction tool?

What makes a seductive conversationalist? In seventeenth-century France, where conversation was a seductive art, the skillful conversationalist was endlessly curious – and, so, better informed to engage with men of the world. Yet, in its heyday, conversation “made no display of learning, avoided quotations, examples, and proverbs.” In the right hands, it was a contact high, a kind of sublime foreplay. It “radiated a soothing oblivion,” creating an atmosphere of relaxation and entertainment.

The best conversations are orchestrated not so one tiresome bore could hold forth but to draw each person out in turn. The secret of a brilliant conversationalist was this: she was interested in what others had to say. There’s nothing quite as seductive as someone who “is endlessly fascinated by people,” confirms Barbara Walters, a conversational seductress herself, in How to Talk with Practically Anyone About Practically Anything. Rich, poor, old, young—she “wants to know how they live, what they eat, how they feel about themselves sexually.” Can you resist the person who sincerely wants to know more about you?

Centuries ago, in the famed salons of Sirens like Madame de Staël and the Marquise de Rambouillet, the talented conversationalist prided herself on her intuitive feel for the person with whom she conversed. Going further, she used a Socratic form of questioning designed to bring out the best qualities in her partner, perhaps unrealized even by himself. In the twenty-first century, this is what Madame Walters might call “doing your homework.” Get to know everything about the man you’re talking to.

Warmth is an endearing quality, second only to wit—particularly at your own expense—and is unfailingly sexy. All importantly, there’s listening. In the age of conversation, a talent or listening was more prized than one for speaking—astonishing to hear in the age of the squeaky wheel.

CONVERSATION TIP: USE HIS NAME

It’s such a small and flattering technique, but few seem to be able to make the effort to do it. Always remember names and use them. “I was so hoping I’d see you here tonight, Lionel! (delighted pause) It will give me the opportunity I’ve wanted to catch up with you.” It shows that you are fully tuned in. Be careful not to overdo, lest he suspect you’ve got some swampland in Florida you need to unload.

Don’t be the date who only talks about the adorable antics of your dog, or the foods permitted on your new diet. Be a woman of the world, the seductress who can talk about anything. Expand on subjects, but don’t belabor them. And never make a point of calling attention to how smart and accomplished you are, just for the sake of it.

Seductive conversation is the art of bringing others out, not an audition for a reality show. In getting to know him, don’t ask him what his company’s profits are. Give your questions more of an intimate twist: “Can you describe the moment you first realized you were good at what you do?” Aside from sex, there’s no more seductive way to connect.

When you disagree, do so with humor and humility. Show the utmost respect for his opinions, even when your on opposite ends of the political spectrum. Make eye contact, give him your undivided attention, and laugh at his jokes. Show interest in whatever turns him on. Misery isn’t good company, by the way. Make your complaints on your own time.

{Excerpted from her book, Simply Irresistible: Unleash Your Inner Siren and Mesmerize Men With Help From the Most Famous and Infamous Women in History (Running Press)}