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A question about getting the time of day from agents…

I'm an aspiring writer with lots of potential, but I can't seem to find an agent that will talk to me. Is there any foolproof way of getting an agent to speak to me?

Joey Desperrit, Neucleu, VT

Dear Joey,

Finding an agent is easy.  They're listed everywhere, but getting one's attention for more than a half-hearted "Oh, you're a writer." is more artform than foolproof formula.  But you don't need a formula when you have oodles of unbridled creativity at your beck-and-call.  Here are ten suggestions for giving your creativity a jumpstart when thinking about getting an agent's attention:

10. Play the lottery.  Face it, money is power in the world of writing.  The power of freedom.  With no day job, you can work on writing and querying and more writing and more querying.  And then write and query some more.  Eventually, you might even get better and produce a gem amongst all that writing that gets an agent's attention.  If not, you have the luxury of curling up in a fetal position on your piles of cash and sobbing yourself to sleep at night.

9. Private investigator.  Because no one says "I'll make ya famous" quite like an agent faced with incriminating photographs of some of their best clients (aside from William Bonney in Young Guns, of course).

8. The number 8 spot is brought to you by ScriptBlaster.com.  We do agents too!  We digitally convert your inquiries to gold* and email them to hundreds of agents so you don't have to.  No time for research?  No time to check credentials?  No problem.  We shoot that letter out to all of them anyways, so it's bound to hit one with solid credentials in your genre of specialty.  And the best thing is... we're not spam because the agents opt-in for this kind of inbox-flooding punishment.  So, if you've got the cash, we've got the contacts, so sign up today!  *Query editing services extra and conversion to gold is not guaranteed.  If we could guarantee that, we'd become agents and rake in 10% on all those sales ourselves.

7. Internship.  You know those up-and-coming writers with a big contest win under their belt and maybe even a sale or a couple options to their name?  Well, they have agents.  They also have lots of things to keep up with... pitches, meetings, public appearances, paperwork, accounting, and what's that other thing?  Oh yeah, writing.  It can be overwhelming to some, and they might be willing to let someone help them out.  Not as a writing partner, but more like an <s>indentured servant</s> intern.  Free services in exchange for an eventual referral to an agent.  Even some of the bigger studios offer internships hoping to get free work for a possible referral someday.  As for the lack of free time for writing... well, just learn to write faster.

6. Go back in time and steal a popular story.  Some people get that lucky break that allows their career to take off.  Well, why couldn't that be you?  Literally.  Just take some advanced physics, a dash of electrical engineering, and a tablespoon of pure genius in order to develop some serious science fiction power--time travel.  You'll need some patience and a bit of luck to keep from tearing the universe apart, but wouldn't it be worth it to go back in time to be the one who sold Lethal Weapon or created Harry Potter?

5. Entourage.  Everything you ever wanted to know about agents, you can learn on the HBO series, Entourage.  Sure, it's a fictional show... or is it?

4. Find writers with agents and stalker issues.  Even fifteen minutes of fame  can generate stalkers.  A writer with an agent may be practically no one in the eyes of Hollywood, but they're absolutely somebody when filtered through the eyes of a stalker.  Check out police blotters and writer blogs or twitter accounts to see who's complaining about stalkers or any "hardcore groupies".  One of those writers is bound to not take the dangers of fandom seriously, and you can be ready to swoop in when they "mysteriously" disappear.

3. Man suicide prevention hotlines whenever a big movie tanks.  So many careers get tied into a movie that the big bust has a crapball effect in Hollywood.  And who do you think will be on the downhill side of that ball of crap.  Yep, the writer... and the agent representing them.  Loss of reputation in Hollywood can be as deadly as a Monte Cristo sandwich to an elderly man with a heart condition.  And a bust puts a big hit to reputation.  Some agents might crack under the enormity of it all, and if you're manning the suicide hotline when it goes down, you've got a good chance of getting their undivided attention because hey, they called you.

2. Carnie games.  Those big film festivals have a lot more than just films.  Panels, sponsors displaying their wares, and celebrity signings.  But did you know there's a secret underground to the film festival circuit?  A midway of sorts with carnival games of all varieties.  And if you're skilled or lucky enough to get enough hoops on the bottle or knock down all the pins, you can select an agent off the top row.  But fair warning--if you do win, run!  They don't like losing, and if they catch you, you'll become part of a show destined to travel the film festival circuit until the end of days.

1. Go fishing.  Getting an agent is a lot like fishing--you can get them to come to you if you have the right bait.  Dangle it out there in front of them, and they'll practically hook themselves.  But what kind of bait could you use?  The draw of a guaranteed 10% of course!  Do the footwork and get a producer or studio interested in your script or ready to option your property, and you have bait.  Now you can draw the agents in, swoop them up in a net, and you're all set.  Feel free to club them a few times if they wriggle around too much.