PopSyndicate.com

We’ve been called the fairer sex, the better halves. As a woman, I deny none of this - who would? But I do understand one thing about myself and my fellow women - we confuse the hell out of the men folk out there. So I’ve decided to take pity on my manlier counterparts and attempt to demystify some of the crazier-seeming aspects of the female brain and behavioral patterns. I’ve carefully polled a select group of men (my male friends, that is) and have come up with seven things women do that drive men bat-shit crazy trying to figure us out.

1. Why do women go to the bathroom in groups?

This is an easy one. You see, womankind are like the Fonz - the bathroom is our office, or, more specifically, our meetinghouse. Think of it - how do women ubiquitously know the difference between body lotion, body oil, body butter, body spray, body splash, etc, and the proper times to use them? We have meetings, of course. We discuss everything from the various applications of Bath and Body Works’ newest line of products to which kind of oversized bag is in style right now. Oh, and men. We talk about you guys a lot, and what we’re doing to drive you crazy at present.

2. What is with the big freaking purses?

You know, you’d think that guys would get the phrase ‘be prepared’ better than women. Little boys get to run around and go camping and make little fires and learn how to shoot a bow and arrow from Ted Nuegent, or something like that. And girls? We get to sell cookies. So not fair. So why is it that men have wallets packed with ten-year old receipts and fortunes from fortune cookies yet women get the joy of the big purse? Well, purses are nice, but you boy scouts out there should be the ones toting around Tylenol and tissue and the other things we bring with us to make sure we are always prepared. Of course, boys grow out of boy scouts, but you know what girls don’t grow out of for about forty years? Periods. I don’t care how many badges you have, one surprise period in the collective social retardation project known as high school, and a girl learns. Be prepared. So we buy big handbags, and pack them full of everything we could ever need: a book, in case of boredom. An ipod. A notebook. Band-aids, in case our pretty new shoes turn out to be non-functional. Lip glosses, lipsticks, lip balm, lip moisturizer and spf protection for lips (and yes, we know how to use all of them. At once). God knows what all we might need throughout the day, but we know one thing: it’s all in the bag.

Especially tampons.

3. Speaking of shoes…

Okay, not every chick out there is Carrie Bradshaw, and twenty pairs of shoes do not a Carrie Bradshaw make. Now, some of us are a little more preoccupied with shoes (ballet flats are the best thing to happen to fashion ever!) but for the most part, chicks have more shoes than men do because female fashion is more complicated than male fashion is. Balk all you want, fellas, but it’s true: our clothing isn’t as all-purpose as your clothing, and a girl who wears the same Ed Hardy t-shit to every occasion is mocked and ridiculed. And you know what doesn’t help the situation? Guys telling us that we’re just cow-towing to unattainable societal pressures. We know that’s your cheapness coming out, and your wormy little way of trying to stifle our shopping and keep the money in your tight little wallet. And all of this brings me to…

4. Shopping

There’s one fundamental thing men need to know about women and shopping, and that is this: Back. Off. Seriously, you’ll lose a hand. It is expensive to be a woman. We need more things than most men do (I say most, because I’m sure I’d choke if I saw Johnny Depp’s eyeliner bill or Robert Pattinson’s budget for hair products), and it is a simple fact. Whether it’s unattainable societal pressure or not, women get judged for how they look, for how their appearances are maintained, and keeping us as groomed as we all (and I mean all, women and men alike) are expecting the fairer sex to be costs money. And you know why this is? I’ll give you one hint: ‘the fashion industry’ is the wrong answer. Some may argue that fashion is all about art and aesthetic but the real reason 99% of women spend so much gorram money on so much shit is because we want to be attractive. Yeah, guys, that’s right: I’m blaming our obscene shopping habits on you. I don’t want to hear a single utterance of ‘but you’re beautiful without all the…’ blemish concealing makeup, push-up bras, sexy lingerie, expensive haircuts, hair removal, bath products that smell good enough to eat (take a hint, boys), shoes and clothes and everything we can find to make our curves curvy and not lumpy. Because we’ve all seen you ogle magazine women, and it’s a freaking miracle we haven’t invented a portable air-brushing device. So the next time your wife or your girlfriend or your insignificant other spends an ungodly amount of money on an outfit, realize that she’s trying to make herself look hot, and usually that hotness is aimed at you. Usually.

5. Why do women love making lists?

So we can cross things off them. Duh. Next question.

6. Why are women always cold?

I’m just winging it on this one, as I am not a learned student of evolution or human behavior, but this is my theory: to convince us that we need to snuggle with the sweaty, hairy, grabby apes, aka, men, allowing you to put moves on us and therefore encourage the continuance of the human race. Or, possibly, to pay in advance for the years of hot flash hell we’ll go through during menopause.

7. Why are chicks so vague\confusing\baffling\demanding to talk to?

The adjectives changed from guy to guy, but one thing became crystal clear: you guys don’t have the slightest clue what we’re talking about. Now, I’ll grant you the horrifying questions we sometimes throw out there (like, do I look fat in this? Guess what - if we do look fat in something, and you lie about it, we’re gonna be pissed. Try this for an answer: it isn’t really flattering. Try something that accentuates your [favorite body part here. And if that body part is tits, well, we enjoy knowing you enjoy our racks]), and we do expect you to remember things we’ve talked about (that joke about tuning us out will come back to bite you on the ass), and we sincerely have no idea we’re being coy\vague\whatever. You know what works? Asking us to explain. Talking to us. That Mars\Venus stuff is crap, so let me explain it to you in a way that isn’t so vomit-inducing, as my fellow popsyndicate writer Matt Rox explained it to me: men are stupid, and women are crazy. Men are stupid for thinking women aren’t crazy, and women are crazy for thinking men aren’t stupid. I can accept that, I can easily own up to the crazy so long as you men can accept that sometimes, you’re a bit simple, and you just don’t get it.

That said, there are exceptions. There are the harpies, the bitches, the sluts, the manipulative whores that ruin it for the good ones, and those treacherous vipers have more than a few tricks up their sleeves meant to keep you boys confused and on your toes. Because when you’re confused, you’re easier to manipulate. And just like there are some serious jerks out there who string girls along, there are some god-awful women who need to be spayed and removed from the population. The trick is how to know if you’re getting played, or if you’re being strung along just because some women enjoy being adored and have no interest in you, yet don’t want to shoot you down because that would ruin their fun. Tough love, boys. Tough love.

And that’s that. The secrets of womankind, offered up. Any more questions?