About Jeffery Stevenson
Location: Austin, TX
Occupation: Database Consultant/Writer
Bio: Pop Syndicate's Creative Adviser is also the writer and letterer of the long-running twice weekly webcomic, Brat-halla (following the Norse gods during their elementary school days), which ran for a few years at Kevin Smith's MoviePoopShoot.com (and later, QuickStopEntertainment.com) and is currently hosted over at Graphic Smash. He was also the hired wordslinger for Jim Valentino's Task Force 1 from Shadowline/Image Comics.
To keep up with the rest of Jeff's insanity, feel free to check out his personal blog at Dark-n-Dam'd.
Posts: 36
More from this author
A question about the industry gatekeepers...
It seems like everyone in Hollywood is against me and trying to keep me out. How do I get past all the industry "gatekeepers"?
Wiley C., Tuscon, AZ
Dear Wiley,
You really wanna get past the people keeping you from who you need to know? Get yourself a copy of the secret catalogue of industry insiders... Gate Gear. Here's an excerpt of career-changing listings available from Gate Gear:
Lifesize Famous Director Doll
It's the equivalent of a hot escort for the fledgling screenwriter. With a famous Hollywood director at your side, doors will shatter down for you on your way to the top. And to complete the illusions, these life-sized dolls come equipped with 15 authentic phrases like "I love it, but I don't love it love it.", "Give me more emotion... make me really feel it.", "This one's gonna be my masterpiece.", and "I'm a director not a miracle-worker, Jim!" Available in Spielberg, Coppola, Scorsese, Eastwood, Pollack, and Bolle.
... $1.99 to $199,999.95 plus S/H
Vinz Clortho Statuette
This may look like a common, ordinary stone statue of an ugly demonic dog, but it contains the ultimate power to overcome any gatekeeper--the spirit of Vinz Clortho, the Keymaster. Once possessed by this minion of Gozer the Gozerian, the gatekeeper will be putty in your hands. Just look at what it did for Louis in Ghostbusters.
... Free plus S/H (soul tax applies in all states except RI, SD, and ND)
Pheremone Potion #9
It's the scent of success! With this powerful concoction engineered by top researchers in the perfume industry, you'll have those gatekeepers hanging on your every word and obeying your every whim. Available in mixtures for men, women, and a combo variety for those not wanting to take any chances.
... Morals
Los Angeles Stealth Suit
In the City of Angels, the best way to get people avoiding eye contact and stepping out of your way is in this authentic lawyer power suit. No one will admit they've seen you... no one will even want to know you're there. Fear of getting served the dreaded subpoena will have gatekeepers reacting with evasive instinct as they dive under their desks, hide behind fake office greenery, and leap out windows.
... $1825 plus S/H
Secret Handshake Decoder iPod
Every executive has a secret handshake or catchphrase to make sure the people he or she really wants to talk to can get in the door. This iPod--tricked out Dick Tracy style--contains a database of over 30,000 of these secret signals and code words associated with nearly every major studio, high level producers, and the top agencies. Plus, it can still store and play all your favorite MP3s. Available in while, black, and cornea-searing fuscia.
... $239.95 plus S/H
Aaron Spelling Nepotism Kit
Good ol' mom and dad can open doors if they're an established force in the industry, and even though you might be of non-Hollywood blood, it's not too late to turn things around. This kit will give you the inside track on marrying into the right family or setting yourself up as ahefty tax shelter viable adoption candidate. This item is more than just an option for getting past the gatekeepers--it's a guide to bringing families together.
... Standards
Million Dollar Script
There's nothing more distracting to a dedicated gatekeeper than shiny things. Especially precious metal shiny things. Walk up to their desks with this platinum-covered script in your hands and they won't be able to take their eyes off it. Now with optional silver or gold foil pages when you need to distract them from your actual words too.
... $1,000,000 plus S/H
The Backdoor Guide to Hollywood
Sometimes the best way in is the back way. This book contains the hottest tips for opening up the back door and getting your butt planted firmly in front of some of the top executives in the industry. From the bestselling author of The 101 Best Positions for Career Advancement and The Joy of Oral Interviewing.
... $39.95 plus S/H
Wiley C., Tuscon, AZ
Dear Wiley,
You really wanna get past the people keeping you from who you need to know? Get yourself a copy of the secret catalogue of industry insiders... Gate Gear. Here's an excerpt of career-changing listings available from Gate Gear:
Lifesize Famous Director DollIt's the equivalent of a hot escort for the fledgling screenwriter. With a famous Hollywood director at your side, doors will shatter down for you on your way to the top. And to complete the illusions, these life-sized dolls come equipped with 15 authentic phrases like "I love it, but I don't love it love it.", "Give me more emotion... make me really feel it.", "This one's gonna be my masterpiece.", and "I'm a director not a miracle-worker, Jim!" Available in Spielberg, Coppola, Scorsese, Eastwood, Pollack, and Bolle.
... $1.99 to $199,999.95 plus S/H
Vinz Clortho Statuette
This may look like a common, ordinary stone statue of an ugly demonic dog, but it contains the ultimate power to overcome any gatekeeper--the spirit of Vinz Clortho, the Keymaster. Once possessed by this minion of Gozer the Gozerian, the gatekeeper will be putty in your hands. Just look at what it did for Louis in Ghostbusters.
... Free plus S/H (soul tax applies in all states except RI, SD, and ND)
Pheremone Potion #9It's the scent of success! With this powerful concoction engineered by top researchers in the perfume industry, you'll have those gatekeepers hanging on your every word and obeying your every whim. Available in mixtures for men, women, and a combo variety for those not wanting to take any chances.
... Morals
Los Angeles Stealth Suit
In the City of Angels, the best way to get people avoiding eye contact and stepping out of your way is in this authentic lawyer power suit. No one will admit they've seen you... no one will even want to know you're there. Fear of getting served the dreaded subpoena will have gatekeepers reacting with evasive instinct as they dive under their desks, hide behind fake office greenery, and leap out windows.
... $1825 plus S/H
Secret Handshake Decoder iPod
Every executive has a secret handshake or catchphrase to make sure the people he or she really wants to talk to can get in the door. This iPod--tricked out Dick Tracy style--contains a database of over 30,000 of these secret signals and code words associated with nearly every major studio, high level producers, and the top agencies. Plus, it can still store and play all your favorite MP3s. Available in while, black, and cornea-searing fuscia.
... $239.95 plus S/H
Aaron Spelling Nepotism KitGood ol' mom and dad can open doors if they're an established force in the industry, and even though you might be of non-Hollywood blood, it's not too late to turn things around. This kit will give you the inside track on marrying into the right family or setting yourself up as a
... Standards
Million Dollar Script
There's nothing more distracting to a dedicated gatekeeper than shiny things. Especially precious metal shiny things. Walk up to their desks with this platinum-covered script in your hands and they won't be able to take their eyes off it. Now with optional silver or gold foil pages when you need to distract them from your actual words too.
... $1,000,000 plus S/H
The Backdoor Guide to Hollywood
Sometimes the best way in is the back way. This book contains the hottest tips for opening up the back door and getting your butt planted firmly in front of some of the top executives in the industry. From the bestselling author of The 101 Best Positions for Career Advancement and The Joy of Oral Interviewing.
... $39.95 plus S/H
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All material in The Creative Adviser is fictitious and intended solely for the purpose of entertainment. Names are fabricated and any similarity to real people or places is purely coincidental except in those cases where public figures are being satirized.
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I used The Joy of Oral Interviewing to get my last job.
The key to a good interview is to make yourself memorable… and that book definitely helps reinforce some memories. ^_^