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The CBQ podcast is almost always at the back of my mind.  No matter what I’m doing, there’s a part of my brain that is sorting through all the data that comes in, and thinking, “How can I mine this for the podcast?” Please bear this in mind as you read the next paragraph, and I thank you in advance for your gracious, nonjudgmental attitude about what I’m about to say.

Last night I sat down in front of the television and started listlessly flipping through channels, as I often do.  I’m not sure what program it was, and I’m frankly too lazy to do the research to find out now, but there was a news show about prison penpals and the people who write to them.  Suddenly, it occurred to me that there are probably comic book queers in the prison system.  They may not be able to get the latest issues of Gail Simone’s Wonder Woman in The Big House, but surely, a lot of these guys (and ladies) HAD to grow up reading comics.  And I bet a lot of them produce some kind of sequential art, too!  When they’re not in the yard conspiring to shiv someone, showering en masse, or making license plates, they probably have all the time in the world to perfect their art and storytelling skills!  Clearly, I’m one of those grossly misguided people that treats Oz like it’s a documentary.

So off to Google I went.  “Gay prison penpals.” Click.

The sites I found warned readers not to use a home address to write inmates, but rather to use a post office box for correspondence to insure safety. Without exception, these sites gave the full name of each inmate and the types of crimes for which they were incarcerated.  As most prisoners have no access to email, snail mail is the only option for communication.  Most of the sites I found had a search filter for the stated sexual orientation of the inmate, or for the sexual orientation of those from whom the inmate is willing to receive letters.  In other words, at some sites, it’s the inmates saying “I’m gay (or lesbian, or bisexual, or transgendered)”, and on other sites, the sexual orientation of the inmate is not stated, but the inmate indicates that they were okay receiving letters from people on the outside who are queer.

Virtually every ad I found was masterfully crafted to get as many responses as possible, without ruling any potential responders out.  Each site has a word limit on the ads, and every single word was clearly very carefully chosen to portray (or, so as not to sound too cynical, reveal) the loneliness, kindness, and vulnerability of the inmate.  Most ads stated that the inmate was strongly oriented towards monogamy, that s/he was in the market for a soulmate, and that age/race/gender/body type/degree of butchness/severity of hunchback were completely unimportant in terms of a potential partner.  It’s as if every ad was saying, “I’m here for the sole purpose of loving you unconditionally, and will be whatever you want me to be to make you happy.” For example, one female inmate wrote, “Would love to meet my Mr. Right with love, lasting passion to follow. I am bisexual. Love could be found in either sex. I’m a one person lover, though ~ unless your fantasy consists of more!” Wow, talk about keeping your options open!  Many ads used gender-neutral language in order to cast the widest net possible, e.g., “I’m looking for a fun-loving, adventurous, understanding, open-minded person to write. I’m not looking for financial support, but do as your heart lead you. I welcome diversity and view it as a great way to expand my knowledge, if something more develops ---- GREAT!”

Another thing I noticed, and I realize I’m treading on thin ice here, is that a lot of the gay inmates didn’t seem all that gay to me.  Realistically, we queer folk tend to develop highly sensitive and accurate gaydar early in life for our safety and sanity.  Honestly, if you’re queer and reading this, how often have you stepped into a crowded room and instantly picked out the four other queer people there with a fairly high degree of accuracy?  I know I have.  Here’s a tip for those of you with substandard gaydar: gay men have eyes that INQUIRE, and straight men have eyes that ASSUME.  Also, when most gay men call you “dude,” it sounds like an affectation.  And as I look at the pictures and read the text of these ads, I mostly see eyes that assume and a lot of un-ironic “dudes”.  It’s noteworthy that many of the male inmates willing to accept correspondence from gay men on the outside are looking towards a possible release date within the next year or two after many years of incarceration.  It seems like the closer they are to freedom and the complete uncertainty that comes with it, the straighter they’re not.

Even though I don’t know what “head games” are, I get it when virtually all the inmates say they hate them and won’t tolerate them.  I feel exactly the same way about the color mauve.  And I can’t really blame inmates for frantically trying to connect with people on the outside.  As I heard on the news show about prison penpals before I dashed for my computer, 80% of inmates lose contact with everyone in their lives within two years.  And to call our prison system a “correctional system” is, to say the least, overly optimistic.  And we all know that most folks released from prison have virtually no social or economic means of support.  I think I’d be lifting weights in the yard and sending out feelers for a sugar daddy if I was in their circumstances.

I didn’t have any luck finding a comic book queer in prison.  Most advertisers indicated they liked long walks (where?) and quiet evenings with the person they love, but nobody mentioned comic books.  A few inmates posted samples of their art, and a lot of their work was really amazing, but it featured no one in a cape, or even red patent leather boots.  Maybe I’ll check back again in a week or two.

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