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And may God have mercy on my soul!

Against my better judgment, I decided to watch the BET Hip-Hop Awards, offering minute by minute commentary of the events. Why? I’m a glutton for punishment, and I occasionally have to remind myself why I don’t listen to hip-hop on the radio, anymore. Furthermore, I wanted to see how T-Pain did as the host, serving as a last minute replacement for Katt Williams. Oh, what could have been!

8:00 – T.I. and Swizz Beats kick off the proceedings, prompting everyone to wave their Gucci rags.

8:03 – Ooh, Ludacris! Nice verse, but what was up with Rakim showin’ up for a “blink and you’ll miss it” appearance?

8:04 – Ya know why rappers have to scream their rhymes when they perform? Because someone was too #%@$%ing lazy to provide an instrumental of whatever track they’re rapping to!!

8:08 – I hate T-Pain with a fiery vengeance, but him jokingly calling Lil’ Wayne a jerk for selling a million albums in a week was pretty damn funny!

8:13 – What a shock! Lil’ Wayne wins the first award of the night, and with nominees like Rick Ross and Yung Berg, I’m surprised someone even thought to throw Lupe Fiasco in the mix! How’d such a talented and thought-provoking artist get in there?!? Anyway, the Martian is very mellow and gracious in accepting his award, but that’s probably the effects of the potent concoction simmering in the Styrofoam cup he’s never seen without.

(Sidenote – I’m gonna get real miffed if literally EVERY SINGLE PERSON on this show says something about Barack Obama! I’m pulling for the guy, but DAMN! And I’m not even a citizen!!)

8:20 – Watching Nas perform “Hero”, I’m kind of torn as to whether or not I like the “Hoodie Choir” backing him up. To say nothing of the fact that one of them looks like Sideshow Bob’s illegitimate daughter.

8:23 – Wu-Tang Clan? Where’s the rest of ‘em? Even the GZA couldn’t be bothered to show up. In any event, DJ Khaled wins the award for “Best Collaboration”, and I’m convinced that he’s trying to be more annoying than Funkmaster Flex. Could you scream a little louder? I can still hear outta my left ear!

8:31 – Ain’t nothin’ wrong with a nice freestyle cypher!! Gotta give it up to K’Naan from Somalia. I’m gonna have to check this kid out.

8:33 – Come to find out my cousin in Tallahassee was right all those years ago, when he said Plies would be big! Still don’t like his ass.

8:36 – I can’t stand Rick Ross, but I have to admit, “Here I Am” is a pretty nice track. Mind you, the best parts of the song are everything EXCEPT Ross’ verses!

8:44 – Barring a court case, this is probably the only time we’ll ever see Young Jeezy in a suit. At this point, though, he’s about the only artist to at least make an effort with their performance. Step dancers in Black Panther garb, a few marching band musicians, and an opera singer!! Talk about “balls out”!

8:48 – I can’t even joke about the “Myspace Rookie of the Year Award”. . . .wait a minute, Shawty Lo won? AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA!!!! Didn’t T.I. clown you in his latest video?!? In your own neighborhood, no less?!?

8:54 –  Time for the sistahs to rock the mic!! Mc Lyte could put some of these young chicks to shame, I swear to God. And surprisingly, so could Yo-Yo!! Where’d the weight go, indeed! Don’t know about her outfit, but she’s workin’ it hard! And Lady of Rage?!? Where’d they dig her up, afro-puffs and all?! And now, Salt-N-Pepa dedicate “Whatta Man” to Barack Obama. And with that. . . . .

. . . .LIQUOR BREAK!!!!!

9:06 – Time for another cypher. Who’s this pretty young thang reppin’ for Japan? She’s kinda nice! And dammit if Corey Gunz isn’t tight as hell!!

9:09 – T-Pain’s vocoder strikes again!!! Without it, he’d never be able to afford all those big-ass hats!!

9:10 – Common and Pharell get their Afrika Bambatta on as they perform “Universal Mind Control”, before getting a few folks on stage for N.E.R.D.’s “Spaz”. It’s certainly the most energetic performance of the evening. There’s something to be said for at least attempting to form a mosh pit at a hip-hop awards show.

9:15 – Lil’ Wayne does a chicken dance before accepting the award for “Lyricist of the Year”. A-B-C = Always Be Cooning!!!

9:20 – Russell Simmons should just change his name to Benjamin Buttons, ‘cause I swear that man looks younger now than when he started Def Jam over twenty years ago! 

9:32 – T-Pain, Lil’ Wayne, and some Cirque De Soleil performers. . . .I think the ‘shrooms are finally kickin’ in!

LIQUOR BREAK II – ELECTRIC BUGALOO!!!

9:43 – Ice Cube breaks us off with “Today Was A Good Day”, and reminds us to vote. . . .black! You can’t really expect subtlety from a guy who used to start every song by screaming “GODDAMN!!!”

9:47 – The “MVP Award”?!? What is this, the ESPYS?! And who wins? Do we really have to ask? Okay, here’s a hint . . . A Milli - A Milli - A Milli - A Milli!!! 

9:54 – And Juelz Santana blows the cypher by equating his flow to a Kimbo Slice punch! Someone’s apparently been in a cave for the last three weeks.

9:58 – Bow Wow (looking like a human Lite-Brite) and Soulja Boy close out the show. . . .thankfully, my senses have been dulled considerably by the two screwdrivers I’ve had, so they’re not nearly as annoying. . .but surprisingly twice as homoerotic as the team up of Bow Wow and Omarion! It’s like Mick Jagger and Davie Bowie all over again!

And on that note, see ya next year!! . . . . or not.