About Jeffery Stevenson
Location: Austin, TX
Occupation: Database Consultant/Writer
Bio: Pop Syndicate's Creative Adviser is also the writer and letterer of the long-running twice weekly webcomic, Brat-halla (following the Norse gods during their elementary school days), which ran for a few years at Kevin Smith's MoviePoopShoot.com (and later, QuickStopEntertainment.com) and is currently hosted over at Graphic Smash. He was also the hired wordslinger for Jim Valentino's Task Force 1 from Shadowline/Image Comics.
To keep up with the rest of Jeff's insanity, feel free to check out his personal blog at Dark-n-Dam'd.
Posts: 36
More from this author
A question about Hollywood script readers...
How can a wannabe writer be a script reader for a studio when they don't even know what they're doing yet?
Jimmy O., Dying, VA
Dear Jimmy,
You're absolutely right. There's no way a no-talent, nobody writer should be providing coverage for high-powered Hollywood studios. There should be a law against that or something. Oh wait, the Hollywood studios already have a system to filter readers. Let's take a look at what potential readers go through to make their break in Tinseltown...
Building B-52: Lecture Hall
"I'm Studio Exec K, and I'm here to welcome you to the script reader evaluation job fair. Here, you will be subjected to numerous tests to see how you handle the mental, physical, and emotional challenges of a Hollywood script reader. Some of you might not survive.
"Literally. Please read and sign the waiver document in your introduction packets at this time.
"Now that the formalities are taken care of, let's begin with the written examination. Pens out and listen carefully.
"One. Have you ever read a script before?"
"Yes sir, I have."
"Don't tell me. Write it down! This is Hollywood, son. People don't have time to actually talk to each other, so they write it all down. Email. IMs. Text messages. Memos. Contracts. It's all in writing. And sometimes penned in blood."
"Okay sir, I under--"
"Talky bad, writey good. Remember?
"Now, let's keep going. Two. This is a multiple choice question. Do you enjoy crushing people's dreams? A) A little. B) Only on Mondays and Fridays. C) I enjoy it, but it's more like a hobby to me. D) It's my dream to have a job where I can obliterate other people's dreams.
"Three. For the following movies, tell me whether you would Pass, Recommend, or Consider them?
"Dances With Wolves.
"Moonstruck.
"Annie Hall.
"Gigi.
"The Incredible Hulk.
"Battlefield Earth.
"Wild Wild West.
"Planet of the Apes, the remake.
"And to finish up the written exam, one last bit to make sure you were listening... only answer questions one and two.
"Just kidding. I always loved that little gag back in school. Just turn in your papers and proceed to Building C-4."
Building C-4: Obstacle Course.
"Welcome to the reading portion of the exam. Any fool can read... well, as long as they're literate. But this isn't just about literacy. This is about reading scripts for Hollywood. When the next hot script starts buzzing around town and the execs want coverage on their desk five minutes ago, you'll need to respond to the stress and the pressure. This obstacle course was designed to generate the levels of stress encountered by a Hollywood script reader.
"Before you is a table with copies of a never-before-read script from Hollywood legend, Steven Spielberg. As you read your scripts, you will bob and weave your way through Los Angeles traffic. Then you'll enter the smog zone and continue reading as you cross it into the arena of rabid toy dogs with celebrity owners. Avoid having your script and/or flesh torn to pieces by the dogs and/or their celebrity owners, and finish up at the nigh club.
"At the night club, you will begin the comprehension portion of the exam as you write up your coverage amidst the distraction of Hollywood's elite young stars partying it up and engaging in self-destructive behavior with all intention of dragging you along with them down the path of heartbreak, despair, jail time and damaged livers.
"Any questions?"
"Are the toy dogs really rabid?"
"Yes."
"Shouldn't we get shots first? Just in case."
"This is Hollywood, boy. An up-to-date shot record is a necessity, not a luxury! Now, get moving!"
Building B-52: Lecture Hall
"Well, it looks like all of the survivors except one person here was in agreement over the coverage. Mr. Edwards, would you like to explain to everyone why you decided to give Mr. Spielberg's script a pass?"
"The structure was a mess. The dialogue was disconnected and wooden. And there was no real ending to it. The whole thing read like something a 10 year old would write."
"Mr. Edwards, why don't you come with me? Everyone else, follow my assistant for one final test... an eye exam."
"Did I get it wrong?"
"About the storytelling in the script? Nah, you were pretty close. It was actually written by my son, and he turns 10 next month.
"But you did pass on the script."
"It was a horrible story."
"It was Steven &%#@%*# Spielberg!"
"But you just said--"
"That doesn't matter. For the purposes of the test, it was a Spielberg original. Do you know what would happen with a Spielberg project?"
"Kinda."
"He could turn in a script written on a cocktail waitress's behind, and he'd have people lining up to throw money at it. He could walk into a pitch meeting fall-down drunk and before you could blink, they'd greenlight it and build up a hundred to a hundred and fifty million dollar budget. Marketing people would get all tingly in their product placement nether regions and loose with their cash at the mention of his name.
"Now, imagine all that money just sitting around while you go through the development process. Except it wouldn't be sitting around, would it?"
"Well if it were me and I had that kind of money, I guess I'd invest it or something."
"Maybe have it generating interest while everyone revises the script, scouts locations, and goes through casting? It sounds like conspiracy talk, but the truth is... money's money, and if you have money lying around, you need to put it to use."
"Do you think they toss around all those notes forcing rewrite after rewrite just to make the film better? Not at all. They're thinking up ways to delay spending most of that money until they reach a nice long-term capital gains tax break. Why do you think development hell lasts so long?
"Hollywood's not about proper grammar and good storytelling. It's all math and accounting. Is any of that getting through to you?"
"But couldn't you do all that with a good story? The story's the heart of the script. It's what solidifies a movie and makes it memorable. Investors will surely put money into a great story like that."
"I see. You're one of the dreamers. Why don't you have a seat here in my office and we'll discuss it some more."
"Sure. Hey, this is a nice chair. Very sci-fi. These rocket designs on the sides look very realist--"
FWOOSH!
KRASH!
"Sergio?"
"Yes, Studio Exec K?"
"Can you bring a mop in here? The skylight for my rocket ejector chair is sticking again. And... oh yeah, call my lawyer. Looks like an arm got left behind."
"I'll have him meet you for lunch, sir."
"Wait... doesn't our waiver cover loss of limb?"
"Yes sir, it does."
"Good, have my lawyer meet me at the golf course instead... for an afternoon business meeting."
All material in The Creative Adviser is fictitious and intended solely for the purpose of entertainment. Names are fabricated and any similarity to real people or places is purely coincidental except in those cases where public figures are being satirized.
Jimmy O., Dying, VA
Dear Jimmy,
You're absolutely right. There's no way a no-talent, nobody writer should be providing coverage for high-powered Hollywood studios. There should be a law against that or something. Oh wait, the Hollywood studios already have a system to filter readers. Let's take a look at what potential readers go through to make their break in Tinseltown...
Building B-52: Lecture Hall
"I'm Studio Exec K, and I'm here to welcome you to the script reader evaluation job fair. Here, you will be subjected to numerous tests to see how you handle the mental, physical, and emotional challenges of a Hollywood script reader. Some of you might not survive.
"Literally. Please read and sign the waiver document in your introduction packets at this time.
"Now that the formalities are taken care of, let's begin with the written examination. Pens out and listen carefully.
"One. Have you ever read a script before?""Yes sir, I have."
"Don't tell me. Write it down! This is Hollywood, son. People don't have time to actually talk to each other, so they write it all down. Email. IMs. Text messages. Memos. Contracts. It's all in writing. And sometimes penned in blood."
"Okay sir, I under--"
"Talky bad, writey good. Remember?
"Now, let's keep going. Two. This is a multiple choice question. Do you enjoy crushing people's dreams? A) A little. B) Only on Mondays and Fridays. C) I enjoy it, but it's more like a hobby to me. D) It's my dream to have a job where I can obliterate other people's dreams.
"Three. For the following movies, tell me whether you would Pass, Recommend, or Consider them?
"Dances With Wolves.
"Moonstruck.
"Annie Hall.
"Gigi.
"The Incredible Hulk.
"Battlefield Earth.
"Wild Wild West.
"Planet of the Apes, the remake.
"And to finish up the written exam, one last bit to make sure you were listening... only answer questions one and two.
"Just kidding. I always loved that little gag back in school. Just turn in your papers and proceed to Building C-4."
Building C-4: Obstacle Course.
"Welcome to the reading portion of the exam. Any fool can read... well, as long as they're literate. But this isn't just about literacy. This is about reading scripts for Hollywood. When the next hot script starts buzzing around town and the execs want coverage on their desk five minutes ago, you'll need to respond to the stress and the pressure. This obstacle course was designed to generate the levels of stress encountered by a Hollywood script reader.
"Before you is a table with copies of a never-before-read script from Hollywood legend, Steven Spielberg. As you read your scripts, you will bob and weave your way through Los Angeles traffic. Then you'll enter the smog zone and continue reading as you cross it into the arena of rabid toy dogs with celebrity owners. Avoid having your script and/or flesh torn to pieces by the dogs and/or their celebrity owners, and finish up at the nigh club."At the night club, you will begin the comprehension portion of the exam as you write up your coverage amidst the distraction of Hollywood's elite young stars partying it up and engaging in self-destructive behavior with all intention of dragging you along with them down the path of heartbreak, despair, jail time and damaged livers.
"Any questions?"
"Are the toy dogs really rabid?"
"Yes."
"Shouldn't we get shots first? Just in case."
"This is Hollywood, boy. An up-to-date shot record is a necessity, not a luxury! Now, get moving!"
Building B-52: Lecture Hall
"Well, it looks like all of the survivors except one person here was in agreement over the coverage. Mr. Edwards, would you like to explain to everyone why you decided to give Mr. Spielberg's script a pass?"
"The structure was a mess. The dialogue was disconnected and wooden. And there was no real ending to it. The whole thing read like something a 10 year old would write."
"Mr. Edwards, why don't you come with me? Everyone else, follow my assistant for one final test... an eye exam."
"Did I get it wrong?"
"About the storytelling in the script? Nah, you were pretty close. It was actually written by my son, and he turns 10 next month.
"But you did pass on the script."
"It was a horrible story."
"It was Steven &%#@%*# Spielberg!"
"But you just said--"
"That doesn't matter. For the purposes of the test, it was a Spielberg original. Do you know what would happen with a Spielberg project?"
"Kinda."
"He could turn in a script written on a cocktail waitress's behind, and he'd have people lining up to throw money at it. He could walk into a pitch meeting fall-down drunk and before you could blink, they'd greenlight it and build up a hundred to a hundred and fifty million dollar budget. Marketing people would get all tingly in their product placement nether regions and loose with their cash at the mention of his name.
"Now, imagine all that money just sitting around while you go through the development process. Except it wouldn't be sitting around, would it?"
"Well if it were me and I had that kind of money, I guess I'd invest it or something."
"Maybe have it generating interest while everyone revises the script, scouts locations, and goes through casting? It sounds like conspiracy talk, but the truth is... money's money, and if you have money lying around, you need to put it to use."
"Do you think they toss around all those notes forcing rewrite after rewrite just to make the film better? Not at all. They're thinking up ways to delay spending most of that money until they reach a nice long-term capital gains tax break. Why do you think development hell lasts so long?
"Hollywood's not about proper grammar and good storytelling. It's all math and accounting. Is any of that getting through to you?"
"But couldn't you do all that with a good story? The story's the heart of the script. It's what solidifies a movie and makes it memorable. Investors will surely put money into a great story like that."
"I see. You're one of the dreamers. Why don't you have a seat here in my office and we'll discuss it some more.""Sure. Hey, this is a nice chair. Very sci-fi. These rocket designs on the sides look very realist--"
FWOOSH!
KRASH!
"Sergio?"
"Yes, Studio Exec K?"
"Can you bring a mop in here? The skylight for my rocket ejector chair is sticking again. And... oh yeah, call my lawyer. Looks like an arm got left behind."
"I'll have him meet you for lunch, sir."
"Wait... doesn't our waiver cover loss of limb?"
"Yes sir, it does."
"Good, have my lawyer meet me at the golf course instead... for an afternoon business meeting."
####
Got a question about breaking in for The Creative Adviser? Ask away! It might even get answered!
All material in The Creative Adviser is fictitious and intended solely for the purpose of entertainment. Names are fabricated and any similarity to real people or places is purely coincidental except in those cases where public figures are being satirized.
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