Going Mad
The “Do Not Watch” List: The 20 Worst Filmmakers
06/08/2009
Movies: Blogging:: 22 comments: by Madison Carter
In his latest blog, Madison takes a look at the filmmakers who should have been stopped. And no, Ed Wood is NOT on the list.
We all do it. We get to that one movie or book or video game or comic that makes us finally give up on the creators, be it a director, an artist or an author. Sometimes there are flashes of genius, or at least mild mediocrity before they finally reveal themselves to be nothing more than talentless hacks. That’s probably being too harsh; I should say “pretentious hacks” instead.
As a film reviewer and general audience member, I’ve come across more than my fair share of Hollywood types who have managed to make me swear off their work forever. Hell, I even keep a list just so I can remind myself of who I refuse to hand my hard-earned money over to. This list, I should note, only pertains to directors, producers and writers. I have purposely left actors off the list, because even horrible actors can’t keep a good movie down. I’m also shying away from actors who think they can direct, such as Kevin Costner. So without further ado, here we go, in no particular order:
1. Paul Verhoeven - Started off great with Robocop, and it’s been crap ever since. Sorry folks, Total Recall doesn’t make a bit of sense and Basic Instinct is only redeemed by Jeanne Tripplehorn taking it from behind. Okay, Showgirls really is on that “so bad it’s good” level, but that’s a total fluke.
2. Vincent Gallo - Do I really need to dredge up the boredom that was Brown Bunny? When an explicit oral sex scene at the end by a fairly major Hollywood actress isn’t worth sitting around waiting for, how bad can it be?
3. Uwe Boll - You know it, I know it. Next.
4. Renny Harlin - The man has worked with Stallone, Willis, Freddy Krueger and mutated sharks, yet still can’t figure out how to put an ounce of excitement into his films. Okay, there was the Samuel L. Jackson bit in Deep Blue Sea, but that’s it. One mark-out moment in a near-30 year career.
5. Joel Shumacher - What the hell happened to you, Joel? You made D.C. Cab and Lost Boys for crying out loud! Even if I pretend your Batman films don’t exist, there’s still the matter of turds like Dying Young and The Number 23 you’ve forced under our noses. Waitasec…Dying Young? And right before that, you directed Flatliners? Hmm, maybe there’s some sort of talent-depriving STD that Julia Roberts is spreading around California.
6. Jan de Bont - Not only did you give us the wildly overrated Speed, but a sequel as well. Heap on top of that the stupidity that was Twister and the mind-numbing dullness of the Tomb Raider sequel. Blegh.
7. Gus Van Sant - I don’t care if you did direct Milk, I’m never watching another film by you again. Why, you ask? Because any good will I had towards you was brutally murdered with a couple of loads of crap called Last Days and Elephant. Oh, then there’s that whole Psycho remake.
8. Joe Eszterhas - You, sir, are not a screenwriter. You throw feces on a piece of paper, then write “actress is topless” in between the smudges. Jade, Sliver, Showgirls and both Basic Instinct films…sorry Joe, tits alone do not a good movie make, no matter how much some of us like them.
9. M. Night Shyamaln - M. Night showing up on this list? What a twist! You did okay with Sixth Sense and at least I thought you actually improved with Unbreakable. You should have stopped there, but instead you turned yourself not only into a walking gimmick, but a punchline as well.
10/11. Dean Devlin and Roland Emmerich - It’s hard to separate this duo, and for good reason. As a pair, the two dumped a god-awful Godzilla remake on us and then buried us in the promotion of that atrocity. You almost made it back into my good graces with Eight-Legged Freaks, but then I made the mistake of going back and watching The Patriot.
12. Lars von Trier - Remember that word I used way up there? Pretentious? No one better exemplifies that than Mr. Von Trier. Dancer in the Dark and Dogville aren’t films; they’re exercises in cruelty towards humanity. Oh, and that whole “Dogme 95” thing you helped start has reserved you a very special place in Hell.
13/14. Wachowski Brothers - Sigh. You two started off so well (Bound) and fell so far so fast. I may be the only person on Earth who hated The Matrix but despise it I did, and I laughed my ass off when those two abominations you called sequels turned out to be useless messes. Then there’s the matter of Speed Racer. Maybe now that you’ve revealed the Emperor has no clothes, you’ll move on to jobs more fitting your skills. I’d suggest something in the janitorial line.
15. Oliver Stone - You haven’t made a decent film since Natural Born Killers and even that one’s highly debatable. Please please please spend the rest of your career doing nothing more than releasing longer and longer edits of Alexander on DVD so that the rest of us can be spared seeing your work on the big screen.
16/17. Larry Clark and Harmony Korine - Another one-time duo whose career paths have led to the same place: The toilet. And we’re not talking a disinfected and shiny five-star hotel room toilet; no, we’re talking about the kind of ass seat you find in the nastiest of truck stops. The kind that’s riddled with little crap splotches from the last eight guys who had too many tacos while driving their trailers full of processed meat halfway across the country while hopped up on speed.
18. David Lynch - ...and here’s where I get called out. Lynch certainly has a fanbase. Then again, as David Carradine just proved to us, so does auto-erotic asphyxiation. I don’t mind being asked to think while watching a movie. I don’t mind mindf*** films. What I do mind is someone who’s made a career out of being handed a camera and just making stuff up as they go, and I get that impression watching the films of Mister Lynch. I should have quit after Eraserhead. I really should have quit after Dune. But no, I had to keep on pretending this guy was something worth watching, so I endured Blue Velvet, Twin Peaks, Lost Highway and Mulholland Drive before I finally gave up somewhere in hour twelve of the neverending story that was Inland Empire.
19. Stanley Kubrick - With the exception of the occasionally funny Dr. Strangelove (and that was mostly due to Peter Sellers and George C. Scott), I will maintain until the day I die that Kubrick didn’t know how to make a movie. Okay, he knew the technical know-how, I’ll give you that, and he was very good in that department. But so far as everything else – story, characters, etc. - he couldn’t create a tale to save his reclusive life. I’m not asking for Steven Spielberg-levels of emotion-tugging hogwash, here, but I do want characters and stories I can actually find emotional investment in. Make me care about the people I’m watching, whether I like them or hate them. With Kubrick, there was none of that. He might as well have had cardboard cutouts reciting automated answering machine lines. There’s simply no humanity to be found in the majority of his films. These aren’t humans I’m watching, they’re lifeless pod people. And I won’t even spend a lot of time going on about The Shining except to say that he totally lost the point of the story. When you do a story about a decent family man whose battle with alcoholism is consuming him and driving him crazy, you don’t cast Jack freakin’ Nicholson, who looks bats*** psycho from the word ‘go.’ You just don’t.
And finally…
20. George Lucas - Georgie baby, you directed two good films: American Graffiti and the original Star Wars. The latter was 32 years ago. Please, for the sake of all that is holy or Jedi or whatever geektastic expression is fitting, give it up and stick to producing. Hire talented directors who can figure out how to get around your penchant for nonsensical storytelling, wooden dialogue and cardboard characters.
So there you have it – the 20 directors, producers and writers whose work I refuse to ever touch again. I don’t care if one of them announces they’re making a hardcore movie starring Anne Hathaway and Elizabeth Banks as lesbian lovers who have to fight giant dinosaurs in-between the sex. It just ain’t happening.
While I’m at it, I should give notice to a handful of Hollywood types who are on the bubble and dangerously close to making the list. These runners-up, as it were, include the likes of Brian dePalma (you’re not Hitchcock, bro, stop it), the Coen brothers (O Brother Where Art Thou won’t save you if you make anything even remotely similar to Ladykillers again), Michael Bay (your “stupid but fun” movies are starting to wear really thin on the “fun” part) and last but not least, Steven Spielberg. You know why, Steven.
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Posted by Stefan Halley on 06/08/2009, 04:58 AM
I can’t wait to see the hate mail that rolls in on this.
Posted by Kayode Kendall on 06/08/2009, 05:41 AM
Well, I’m sorry, but I’m gonna have to call you out on Schumacher, just for the fact that when listing movies that qualify him for being one of your worst filmmakers, aside from the Batman films, all you bring up is The Number 23 and Dying Young. Yet you gloss over stuff like The Thin Red Line, Phone Booth, 8mm, A Time To Kill, so it’s not like his resume has been complete garbage.
And Veerhoven’s still garnering a good deal of acclaim from his most recent film Black Book. And c’mon, Starship Troopers was the best!!
Posted by Vichus Smith on 06/08/2009, 05:44 AM
You wont have to wait long. I’m now interested in what this guy likes. I’m looking through his reviews.
Posted by dawn on 06/08/2009, 06:06 AM
Joe Eszterhas had a nice little film with Telling Lies in America. And I would add David Mamet.
Posted by Madison Carter on 06/08/2009, 06:21 AM
Kayode, Shlockmaker didn’t direct Thin Red Line - that was Terrence Malick. And obviously I didn’t hit upon every single movie he did. Time to Kill was great, and I gave him his due with other early efforts. It’s the crap he’s turning out now that blows.
You can bring up Phone Booth (it was okay, not great or even good), and I can bring up Bad Company and Flawless. He may very well have made a good movie or two lately, but I wouldn’t know or care because he’s burned me once too often.
Posted by FakeShemp on 06/08/2009, 06:24 AM
Well, opinion are opinions. Luckily, only mine count. Horrible list. I get it, you like Brett Ratner movies. I know you didn’t say that, but that’s the mentality I received while reading your list.
Posted by Madison Carter on 06/08/2009, 06:28 AM
You’ll have a fairly hard time garnering my interests just from what I review here, Vichus. I review a lot of stuff I don’t care for, and I don’t review a lot of films I do like.
Here’s the thing though - people will want to get on me because I’m lambasting the likes of Lynch and Stone, yet I watch trashy 70s grindhouse films. To me, there’s a difference. Those guys were exploitation marketers and they accommodated their films as such. Every single name on my list above is or has been considered a major filmmaker and gets most (though not always all) of their material into theaters. These aren’t the Ed Woods and Al Adamsons of the industry. These people should know better. I hold them to a higher standard than I do the guys churning out T&A-fests and giant monster movies.
Posted by Madison Carter on 06/08/2009, 06:34 AM
Ratner? Can’t say I am. Only seen two of his films (X3 and the original Rush Hour, both “meh”).
Posted by Vichus Smith on 06/08/2009, 06:58 AM
I think the first half of this list was a tease to get us into your personal hate list. I think that most of these would have you arguing with film students, film fans and other filmmakers for years on end. Uwe Boll’s a slam dunk if you want to target a bad director.
I can just as easily defend how good I think The original Matrix is as I can easy stand with everyone else that the sequels are overblown and somewhat empty.
Posted by Vichus Smith on 06/08/2009, 07:00 AM
BW, I also like the sexploitation flicks and all the silly schlock of the past
Posted by Madison Carter on 06/08/2009, 07:10 AM
Well, sure, the first half or so was one would deem the usual suspects. I knew going in that people would be pissed about my opinion on guys like Stone, Lynch and Kubrick, so there was no need to kick off with them.
That’s the beauty of this whole thing as an art form. Every single one of us has different tastes. Trust me, I’m not some country bumpkin who only has a jones for the latest Vin Diesel film; I took several film courses in college and spent the better part of the last decade running an independent video store that catered to arthouse, foreign and classic films.
Trying to mock me as FakeShemp did won’t change my opinion. Is this a—as you put it—personal hate list? Of course it is. That’s the whole point. It’s the filmmakers *I personally* don’t care for. I have absolutely no problem with every other Tom, Dick and Harry out there liking them. I’m not out to change opinions, just share my own.
Posted by FakeShemp on 06/08/2009, 08:11 AM
I didn’t try to mock you. I did mock you. It’s fair to say it’s your personal hate list and have these opinions, I’m just calling bullshit on them.
1. Paul Verhoeven - He started off strong before he even got to Hollywood, so already you’re wrong. Sure, he’s had some misfires, but Total Recall & Basic Instinct are not those. He also knew, so he went back home and made a great movie.
2. Vincent Gallow - Wow, you’ll write him off for only two movies. Yeah, The Brown Bunny is a piece of shit, but it doesn’t take from the greatness of Buffalo 66.
3. Uwe Boll - Wow. Easy. I thought this list was for people whose films made it to theaters. It counts if it’s just 2 markets? I live in the capital and only In The Name Of The King played.
4. Renny Harlin - I’ll give ya him. Even though he’s made some fun movies, he’s made far more crap. Luckily, once again, his films aren’t going to theaters anymore.
5. Joel Schumacher - Yep, he sucks. But so does The Lost Boys and DC Cab.
6. Jan De Bont - I love Speed, but I’ll give you him anyways. As much as I love Speed though, nothing would ever make me wanna see a Jan De Bont movie? So why would you?
7. Gus Van Sant - A filmmaker who truly is a artist as filmmaker. Normally writes and directs. I’ll take a few experimental films if every so often it gives me a Paranoid Park. You think Last Days is bad? Try watching Gerry. Oh, and his Psycho remake? Did you like Psycho? If so, there is no reason to hate on his version, as it’s the same smurfin script and it’s shot for shot.
9. M Knight - I never understood why anyone gave him the time of day as all his films suck. Not just the last few.
10. Emmerich / Devlin - Fine. Whatever. They make smurfin popcorn movies. Something to watch on a plane. Did you really think you were seeing art in Independence Day? Stargate?
12. Von Triers - I don’t like half the mans output, but I respect him immensely. The films you use as examples are the good ones. Plus, the Dogme 95 thing has given us some great movies by other directors. If you’ve actually read the manifesto, it was written by people who actually love cinema.
13. Wachowski’s - 3 good movies and 2 bad. Doesn’t seem fair to write them off. Oh right, you don’t like The Matrix and Speed Racer. One of which is a masterpiece and the other a fun family film.
15. Stone - Wrote Midnight Express & Scarface. Wrote and directed Salvador, Platoon, Wall Street, Talk Radio, Born On The Fourth Of July, JFK & Natural Born Killers. All great movies, some masterpieces. Any director that can make 8 movies that I would call great, should get a pass. I didn’t see Alexander because I read the reviews. I saw W because I read the reviews. But if Alexander comes on some day and I can see it for free, I’ll jump on it because it’s a Oliver Stone movie. And trust me, I saw U-Turn in the theater, so I know what kind of crap the man is capable of.
16. Clark / Corine - “Another one-time duo whose career paths have led to the same place: The toilet. And we’re not talking a disinfected and shiny five-star hotel room toilet; no, we’re talking about the kind of ass seat you find in the nastiest of truck stops. The kind that’s riddled with little crap splotches from the last eight guys who had too many tacos while driving their trailers full of processed meat halfway across the country while hopped up on speed.”
AND THAT’S WHY I CALL BULLSHIT ON THIS ARTICLE ENTIRELY. Good reasons. Oh wait, you didn’t give me any. Trust me, I’m not defending them. I’m just pointing at lazy writing passing off as witty.
18. Fine, you don’t like David Lynch. Seems like you would have know that in only a couple of movies…
19. Stanley Kubrick - I don’t like him either for the most part. I despise 2001. But I do respect him as a filmmaker and watched every one of his films hoping against hope I would like them. A few I did. Most, not.
20. Lucas - more of your rambling. “He’s directed 2 good movies blah blah blah. Hire talented directors to make sense of blah blah blah”. If you’re gonna write about his directing, comment on it. Don’t bash him for being a shitty writer as a insult to the mans direction. The last 3 movies were directed fine, he’s a shitty writer. Figure it out.
Wow, you took some film classes! Take any writing courses?
I actually like to read dissenting views to my own. I just like a writer who can back up his or her words. In the article, not in a comment back.
Stefan, you wanted hate mail, here it is.
Posted by Vichus Smith on 06/08/2009, 09:15 AM
What I wonder about the criticism of Speed Racer is why people hated it so much, considering the source material. The original Speed Racer wasn’t exactly Miyazaki. No excuse if the Speed Racer movie was terrible, but it’s Speed Racer!
Posted by FakeShemp on 06/08/2009, 09:31 AM
and the worst part, is people overlook that it’s a family film. What I love about this imperfect movie, is the fact that it’s a family movie that actually emphasizes family. It’s not perfect. It’s long. Real long. But as a 90 to 110 minute film it would have just been a great ride. Yet, I still had a ton of fun. Much more depth than the cartoon ever had, while pushing the envelope of filmmaking.
Posted by James Donnelly on 06/08/2009, 11:38 AM
Now, I would ask you to quantify what this list is really about: Awful filmmakers, or filmmakers that should have been stopped? Because some of these strike me as either/or, and some (like Lucas, Stone, Shyamalan) that should have been stopped, but did put some quality stuff out. So to stop them before they started would have been to lose what they did do that was great.
But I certainly will agree with several names on this list. Lynch? Besides being one of the creators of one of the greatest TV shows ever, his films are simply awful. Von Trier? Yes, he makes the most depressing films ever, but BREAKING THE WAVES and DANCER IN THE DARK were pretty darn good. Shyamalan? Absolutely a two-trick pony. Everything after UNBREAKABLE is ridiculous crap.
I do like this list for being about filmmakers that should not have allowed to make films after certain other films. But the WORST? I guess it’s the hyperbole that will drive people here and make people crazy.
Posted by Miles on 06/08/2009, 02:05 PM
This list is a joke, otherwise it’s been engineered to bait movie geeks like us into flaming the poster. Either way, I’m not terribly interested.
Posted by Lars VonTrier on 06/09/2009, 10:30 PM
LOL, I am glad this guys wasted his time on this list. If this is what this web site offers than I have no interest in wasting anymore of my time here.
Posted by A Friend on 06/13/2009, 01:52 AM
So is your mind just constantly full of negativity or is this the fun side of a miserable individual who hates his lot in life?
Sieg heil.
Posted by Noah Boddy on 06/13/2009, 06:17 AM
It is what it is. I agree with some, disagree with others. I’ve always had a respect for Kubrick’s work and found The Shining very intense even if Jack may have been “miscast.” Since Kubrick didn’t care about the original story anyway, it felt like the house was taking someone who could be evil and driving them to the pure point of evil for its own bidding. I’m still saddened that he never got to do his Napoleon script. There are other points, but it’s all opinion vs. opinion and I’ll leave you to deal with the more ‘dedicated’ complainers. I’m sure you’re prepared for them. Besides, you knew there’d be disagreeing. Not only is it the internet, but it’s an article listing directors as “Do Not Watch,” as compared to “Directers I Won’t Watch.”
Posted by Arbee on 06/13/2009, 12:23 PM
This list is worthless without Seltzer and Friedberg.
How comes there’s no petition to get them to stop making movies, if Boll has one?
Posted by Stefan Halley on 06/13/2009, 12:44 PM
Ulli Lommel should be on this list as well. His films are always horrible. He make Boll look credible. I think he has something on the CEO’s of Lionsgate.
Posted by Vichus Smith on 06/14/2009, 03:57 AM
Seltzer and Friedberg are those “Fill-in-the-blank Movie” douches, aren’t they? Those guys make me want to vomit. At one point, a lot of us kinda tolerated their spoofs, but now they have long worn out their welcome. It’s a one-note joke that is just tired.