(cont)
Note to selves: Don’t distract the person who is leading the discussion with talk of terrestrial people-eaters; now we have to wait for him to stop laughing hysterically. On the bright side, we do learn that if a werewolf is tickling you, you should tell an adult; that’s not something to joke about.
Problem # 2: There is a werewolf, or werewolves, plural, in your town.
First off, don’t move to Werewolfton, Virginia. Barring that, figure out if it is one or many in your town. If it’s many, just give up and move. If it’s just one, you may choose to fight back.
Freddy sings, ‘Won’t you take me to, Were-wolf-ton…” to the tune of Funkytown, and Matt says there are too many syllables, even though there actually are the correct amount therein (which irks me every time and I needed to point that out).
Anyway, you will need to discover the werewolf’s human identity. It is completely imperative that you observe the townspeople during fireworks. This will not work at any other time. Also, ‘if you have a single werewolf, don’t just try and hook him up with every other person you know who is a werewolf.’ It’s just not the right thing to do.
The Kill Plan: You have to create a silver bullet.
(My own note, and for everyone’s personal safety: You’ll need to know how to actually create a bullet, not just melt down silver into a bullet shape. The whole way a bullet works is that the firing pin strikes the breechface of the bullet, igniting the powder encased in the shell with a spark. Without that reaction, and the pressure from the gasses released in it, the bullet doesn’t move. *que ‘the more you know’ tune*)
The crew is not sure what temperature silver needs to get to before it melts. (I believe it’s around 1,600F, so good luck with that). You should just punch it into Google. Unfortunately, you can’t punch a werewolf in the google; it just won’t work.
You’ll have to take your silver to the gunsmith, but ‘this will be easier if you’re a group of plucky teenagers. If you’re over 20, you’re gonna seem weird.’
If Freddy were a werewolf, he would become the town silversmith to have fair warning. ‘You want a – what?”
Oh, and make sure you know your gun caliber first. For future reference, draw an arrow from here to above the making the bullet part of the plan. Kelley does not have a gun but he does have a plastic wiffleball bat in case of emergencies.
Here’s what going to kill your werewolf:
Silver brass(what?) knuckles? No.
Sword? Definitely.
(‘It has to penetrate’… cough, cough.)
An ax? Yes.
Silver/silicone vagina? Only if it’s sharp. And it has werewolf AIDs on the needle.
An uzi? ‘That would be optimum.’
Commence anonymous werewolf harassment procedure, then ‘slip up’ right before the full moon and reveal your identity. When the werewolf comes to get you, shoot it with your silver bullet.
Freddy says if it is kind of like an allergy to the silver, it seems that it would take a while for the werewolf to die.
Kelley’s counter-argument is, “No.”
Freddy accepts that, saying, “You made a pretty convincing argument.”
What Ryan usually does when he gets attacked by a werewolf, is gets the leash out and says “We’re going to the vet,” and that usually works.
Now, if you’re going to be a werewolf, the pro’s are you’re strong, have great hearing, and you get to be immortal unless you’re killed by silver or another werewolf. However, the werewolf can’t smother you with a pillow or anything. It has to be a real fight. Or werewolf AIDs, can’t forget that danger. Also, Silver Immune Deficiency Syndrome. SIDS? Freddy recounts a tragic incident: ‘I went to the crib, and the werewolf was dead.’ Never shake your werewolf.
And that is the werewolf contingency plan.
Apparently no one called or emailed.
And we leave on Michael McDonald’s ‘What a Fool Believes.’
