No, for the last time Jason Voorhees is NOT a zombie.
No. Not a zombie. Definitely.
So what is he? Here is the final answer, and we can close the subject for good.
Jason Voorhees is a ninja.
Here’s the evidence:
- silent killer
- hides very well despite being huge and smelling like dead guy
- still doing his thing when you think he’s dead
- skilled in the use of numerous weapons including those used by ninjas: knives, machetes, and weed whackers
- appears and disappears instantly, and over longer distances than average people are capable of moving
- he wears a mask (c’mon!)
Think about it long enough and it will make sense to you. At least as much sense as the zombie thing. I’m sure we can all agree on this.
I’ll accept your theory… BUT only when I see Jason killing a pirate in a movie. Until then, he’s still my beloved homicidal zombie. But after that aforementioned exception, since ninjas are superior over pirates, then the entire MOZ nation will see me eat crow about the Jason debate. (I’ll find another undead horse, though… Heh!)
This might sound like bad fan-fic… but how do we know that Jason is not legion - there’s like 300 “Jason” (“Jasi” maybe?) running around Crystal Lake offing teenagers and would-be-strippers who get high, get naked, or otherwise get stupid.
This would perfectly explain why you can sink a machete in one of their heads or hang one outside of a barn…
Hell, how do we know that the Jasi aren’t just the townies, donning masks and yard tools, sick of having their campgrounds used like the backseat of a 57 Chevy?!
I mean, what we see in the movies could simply be a case of the “unreliable narrator” right?
I’ve got that covered too. Most of the time it was Jason himself, but he has a backup plan.
Ninjas can work alone or in groups. Jason is the Master Ninja and has formed a group called Blades of the Voorhees. He and his ninja comb the lands in search of kids with mental conditions who have drowned in lakes.
Then Jason puts on a coat like Morpheus in The Matrix and invites them to join, be trained, and go through the Trials of Crystal Lake. They must kill 12 teenagers and one middle aged guy who’s wandering around for no reason (or one sheriff if available) without using the same weapon twice. They must include one machete kill and one head crush to complete their training.
Then they wait for another movie to be announced.
The film studios got sloppy once and showed us that this is happening. It was called Friday the 13th Part 5.
This is top secret stuff, I shouldn’t be telling you this.
I’ve got that covered too. Most of the time it was Jason himself, but he has a backup plan.
Ninjas can work alone or in groups. Jason is the Master Ninja and has formed a group called Blades of the Voorhees. He and his ninja comb the lands in search of kids with mental conditions who have drowned in lakes.
Then Jason puts on a coat like Morpheus in The Matrix and invites them to join, be trained, and go through the Trials of Crystal Lake. They must kill 12 teenagers and one middle aged guy who’s wandering around for no reason (or one sheriff if available) without using the same weapon twice. They must include one machete kill and one head crush to complete their training.
Then they wait for another movie to be announced.
The film studios got sloppy once and showed us that this is happening. It was called Friday the 13th Part 5.
This is top secret stuff, I shouldn’t be telling you this.
Just doing my part for the zombie fan community. I’m happy to answer any questions that will enlighten us all, or failing that, further confuse us all.
Next week I’ll explain that Frankenstein’s monster is not a zombie.
Just doing my part for the zombie fan community. I’m happy to answer any questions that will enlighten us all, or failing that, further confuse us all.
Next week I’ll explain that Frankenstein’s monster is not a zombie.
He’s a congressman.
:D
I’ll be waiting for my ensuing debate on that topic. (Oh, I’ve gone on public MOZ record agreeing that “The Monster” is not a zombie, BUT I have differing proof on the Monster’s profession. Here’s a hint; it involves a channel that was once dedicated to music television.)
I have this to add.
Voorhees: Noun,
Meaning: Walking Dead. Alternate definitions include: Revenge Killing,or killer. Also Zombie.
I of course lost the link as to where I got this so I have no actual proof.
Honestly though, over the weekend I went to Horror Hound and met the man himself Kane Hodder, and when asked if he thought Jason was a zombie he replied “Yes, and F%$CK andyone who says different.
Does this prove Jason is a Zombie? Maybe not, but Mr. Hodder is a really big man, and I for one would not want to make him angry.
Honestly I wouldn’t call Jason a Zombie in the strictest sense of the word, but a definite cousin to the zombie. He has more in common with Zombies than any other supernatural creature.
