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A countdown to the best parts of the month

31. Columbus Day: Because we (well, not me) sometimes get a much needed Monday off while occasionally pausing to remember the start of Native American genocide

30. Seasonal vegetables:Squash and zucchini at their best

29. Halloween marathons: Certainly this should have a better ranking but in recent years, “marathon” implied a constant rotation of Parts IV & V on AMC. Not the high points of the series, but notable for a) featuring current Scream Queen Danielle Harris and b) interestingly enough, following Friday the 13th‘s formula of introducing a promising twist at the end of the fourth installment only to completely rewrite it in the sub par fifth.

28. A new Saw: As this modern franchise reaches its sixth installment, the story gets more convoluted, the traps become increasingly illogical, and the assortment of vaguely recognizable C-list actors from the ‘80s to early ‘90s becomes more snoozeworthy than a SyFy original feature. Still, I’ll take Tobin Bell’s gravel and some R-Rated kills over a neutered studio remake any day

27. Pumpkin lattes: Proving again that anything can be improved with a little bit o’ October

26. Apple cider: Cold or hot, it smells like autumn and tastes like heaven

25. Horror Conventions: Sure, they’re held year round, but hit one up on October’s last weekend and use it as an excuse to chat up Kane Hodder while dressed like Freddy Krueger

24. Fun-size candy: Sure, it’s more fun to chomp down a whole Snickers, but bite-sized Mars Dark give you that needed sweet kick in a serving that won’t make you feel quite so pimple prone

23. The smell of masks: They’ll never make a scented candle out of cheap plastic or badly made rubber, but damnit if that aroma doesn’t send you back down memory lane

22. Candy apples: The way Christianity’s most despised fruit was meant to be served

21. Crispy weather: Break out that light jacket and enjoy the breeze

20. Popcorn Balls: 1.5 grams of fat, unmeasurable levels of enjoyment

19. Animals in costume: I know, what kind of monster could possibly stuff their poodle inside cheerleader outfit? An evil one not meant for this earth. But a pug dressed like Yoda? Maybe there is a place for doggy style after all

18. Pumpkin ice cream: Don’t knock it ‘til you try it (preferably with caramel on the side and toasted coconut on top)

17. Lawn decorations: Not counting those all-too-easy (and ugly) inflatable things, suburban home owners sometimes go through great and creative lengths to make their front yards look like Stephen Kingish cemeteries, Dr. Frankensteinian laboratories, or even kid-friendly ghost hangouts with loitering paper and cardboard cutouts

16.Octoberfest: Whether you host your own or get the filtered experience through a seasonal bottled beer, you have to appreciate a holiday designed for good taste

15. Tim Burton’s The Nightmare Before Christmas: Its opening musical number introduced us to a world we could only dream of visiting. Thankfully, it’s appropriate to do so (on DVD and in the occasional theatrical re-release) not once but twice a year

14. Crunchy leaves: Bad when being stalked by a slasher, great for everyone else’s ambience

13. Roseanne reruns: One of, if not the best live action sitcom of the 90s earns a special place in my heart by always bringing out the big guns for the big 3-1. From Darlene’s Tippi Hedren costume to Roseanne learning lessons as a cross dresser in a bar, Ms. Barr/Arnold/_____ always found a way to make Halloween thirty minutes of truly special television

12. The Monster Mash: There. I said it. Now I dare you to get that tune out of your candy corn-filled head

11. Playoffs & World Series: Once again, my poor miserable Mets will be sitting out this October, but I, like many an MLB fan, will fill these fall nights with baseball at its best (and most likely, a few servings of #7)

10. Corn mazes: Generally reserved for rural locations, these harvesty labyrinths offer you the perfect chance to freak people out/seriously annoy others by shouting “Outlander!” in your best Nebraska accent

9.Bravo’s 100 Scariest Movie Moments: Most genre fans have by now seen this 8 hour collection of minor—>major celebrities discussing the classics, plus its 30 film addendum. While the rankings are questionable (Child’s Play at 94, 50 places below The Game?) it’s hard to not enjoy the surprisingly intelligent and witty discussions from the likes of Clive Barker, Eli Roth, Jennifer Tilly, Felissa Rose, and many more.

8. It’s the Great Pumpkin King, Charlie Brown!: This 1966 animated special features the scariest Halloween villain of all time. Seriously. What kind of satanic neighbor drops an actual rock in a socially awkward balding little boy’s trick-or-treat sack?

7. Pumpkin beer: Its growing popularity and year-long availability has lessened this brew’s novelty a sip or two, but there’s still nothing quite like that perfect cinnamon-rimmed glass filled with an ambery concoction of spicy bitter sweetness

6. Trick-or-treating : I’m now officially too young to solicit strangers for candy, but the very fact that in this day and age, one actually CAN solicit strangers for candy is still one of the most incredible cultural realities of this world

5.Candy corn: What is it about these tri-colored bites of sugary goodness that makes health-conscious adults develop a mouthful of cavities? And why oh why have their makers not found a way to incorporate such a recipe into Christmas, Valentine’s Day, Easter, Mother’s Day, Bastille Day…

4. Jack-O-Lanterns: Everything from the pumpkin picking process (do I choose a Burt or Ernie?) to that cold sloshing sensation as you stick your wrists inside and the always warped smile you’ll inevitably carve

3. The Simpsons’ Treehouse of Horror: From the weeklong buildup generally run on syndication to the premiere of what often ranks as the best episode of the year,  these annual Halloween/supernatural/Twilight Zone reinterpretations never fail to make us happy. Kang & Kodos, you can invade our planet any time

2. DVD sales: Read those circulars. This is the one time of the year to make weekly stops at major retail chains to take advantage of every discount carelessly dropped on the kind of films many of us would go broke were they priced low year round

1. Duh, Halloween: Yes, it’s a cheat but you know what: some people dress up and march in town parades. Others stay home with a hearty lineup of horror movies scheduled throughout the evening. Whether you celebrate by passing peeled grapes off as eyeballs to a child or bobbing for apples in a bucket of booze, this truly is the greatest holiday of the year

Did I miss any? Add your own, then sign my petition to extend the season. Because c’mon: trick-or-treating is sooooo much more rewarding than singing lame carols on icy doorsteps.

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