PopSyndicate.com

The movie opens with a couple sneaking into an old, dilapidated mansion for a few giggles. At first look, it seems as if the scene is whimsically playing up the cheese factor of horror films. Soon enough, though, it becomes clear that these people are actually acting their little hearts out. I worried that it would be indicative of the movie as a whole, and I was, unfortunately, correct.

Let me make something clear: I have seen better acting in porn. I have seen better character development in porn. I have seen way better special effects in porn, and I’m not even counting the things that Jenna Jamison can do. If, perhaps, this movie had been cast entirely from a porn roster, it would be more watchable. It was somewhere around this realization (twenty minutes in, one hour and ten minutes to go) that I figured out just how much I did not want to watch this movie.

So, the plot unfolds: due to an old, historically inaccurate curse, no one can leave the house. Not the woman who bought it, not the people who go looking for her (after being missing a year. I sure hope my relatives like me more than to wait a whole year to go looking for me if I drop off the face of the earth), not the people who discovered the horrible events that set the curse in motion - oh, wait. They did leave. So then, I guess some people get to leave, and others don’t. Because, like Captain Jack pointed out, if there aren’t any survivors, who’s left to tell the stories? Did I mention that people are killed by whatever they most fear? Luckily for us, all of the characters announce their fears nice and loud for the ghostie to hear.

About now, the killing starts. The first set of deaths are interesting; we get to see a special effect that amounts to a laser pointer in some bushes, and a wolf-dog thing work the power locks in a car. While the killings aren’t very special, the two most annoying characters are now dead, which is a mercy.

Apparently the writer felt that we weren’t adequately frightened by the deaths, and moved into the “group of main characters roam about the dark mansion while their flashlights malfunction” stage of the movie. There’s more talk of what the characters fear most, and the house rather perfunctorily spooks the characters. One of the “hot” girls gets dunked in a tub and is forced to change clothes (nudity? Nudity might redeem the film a little bit! No such luck; we get a cleavage shot, nothing more. Sigh.) and we round up this chunk of the movie with the most boring death yet.

Then what the filmmakers clearly consider the most spectacular death in the film happens. I must say, it was delightfully bad. I watched it a few times, laughing. But alas, after that came more of the movie. It was painfully obvious that the best was over, and I endured the last twenty minutes with the time remaining counter up on the screen.

Out of a perverse desire to torture myself further, I checked out the extras, which were bollocks (actor rehearsal? These people rehearsed?) An outtake reel, which was not funny, and commentary by the director and two lead actors rounded out the group. And people, I know the head in the bucket and the floating face both look like a good location for Easter eggs, but there aren’t any.

This movie is so bad, I lamented the lack of adequate curse words to describe it (you can only say “suck” so many times before it loses all meaning). For hard-core kitsch film fans, it may be worth watching, but I seriously doubt anyone can get real enjoyment out of this God-awful film.

1