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I fully believe the following took place at some point recently:

FILM PRODUCER #1: We need to come up with a new animal rampage film.

FILM PRODUCER #2: Hey, how about alligators?

FILM PRODUCER #1: Nah, that’s been done about ten times this year.

FILM PRODUCER #2: Okay, well, how about an octopus? Or a giant snake?

FILM PRODUCER #1: No, dimwit. We’ve seen those a billion times this month alone. We need something new. Something exciting. Something that hasn’t been done in a while.

FILM PRODUCER #2: Koalas?

FILM PRODUCER #1: ...you’re an idiot. I’ve got it! Bears! Real bears! Big ****ing bears!

FILM PRODUCER #2: Brilliant!

That conversation apparently occurred no less than three times in the last couple of years, because not only did we get the WTF experience of Savage Planet in which space travelers arrive on an alien world only to encounter regular, albeit pissed off, bears, but also we ended up with the one-two punch of Grizzly Park and Grizzly Rage from Allumination and Genius, respectively.

So snakes, crocs, sharks and the like are out. Angry friggin’ bears are in. To their credit, unlike the joke that Savage Planet was, Park and Rage keep their terror tales contained to something more realistic and because of that they feel more real and are better than goofier giant-animal films. They are more Jaws than Boa Vs. Python.

In Grizzly Park a group of juvenile delinquents are sentenced to community service in a forest preserve. As if it wasn’t bad enough for the punks to have to pick up litter in the woods, they find they’re being stalked by two very different but very deadly killers – one human and one not so much. The serial killer doesn’t get much play, as the bear pretty much offs the entire cast on its own in some of the most insane ways possible. One guy who didn’t realize what movie he was in decides to dress up in a bear costume, only to get beheaded by one of the grizzly’s swift strikes. The kicker though is the death-by-getting-breast-implants-ripped-out. That’s all I’ll say about that one except it’s one of the most bizarre moments in cinema history.

There’s some nice scenery in Park and the (real) bear is convincingly terrifying. Rance Howard (father of Ron and Clint) has a good turn as the forest ranger who is trying to lead the kids to redemption. Special features on this Allumination DVD include some behind-the-scenes features focusing on Brody the Bear as well as a fairly ho-hum but listenable commentary by director Tom Skull and producer Belle Avery.

The more formulaic Grizzly Rage is one of Genius’ “Maneater Series” of animal rampage films. Recalling Jaws The Revenge and Pumpkinhead to an extent, it deals with another group of young folks who have to deal with a very ticked off bear after they accidentally run over its cub. Their car a wreck, they have to stay in the forest, waiting for help, all the while, pissed-off mama bear stalks them in revenge.

Not as insane with its plot as Park, Rage is much more straight-forward. However, to think that a bear would go after these kids with the same gusto as the Fisherman from I Know What You Did Last Summer is a bit hard to take. Still, it’s done well enough. The ending is fairly stupid though. It just feels completely rushed and wrongly executed. There aren’t any special features on this disc.

Grizzly Park and Grizzly Rage were a nice change of pace for fans (like me) of these types of films. While neither were anything extraordinary, they at least tried something that hadn’t been done in a while. But now that we have both hitting shelves at the same time, it’s time to move on before there’s a glut of bear movies. Maybe koalas?

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