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One of literature’s greatest masterpieces gets made into a not terribly impressive movie. And then they put it on Blu-ray.

Once upon a time, there was a man named Victor Frankenstein (Kenneth Branagh) who tries to create life where there was none. He pieced together a creature in golem-like fashion, and behold, a legend is born. But Frankenstein is horrified by his creation, and abandons the creature (Robert De Niro). Frankenstein flees home, to his friend Henry (Tom Hulce) and his lovely cousin Elizabeth (Helena Bonham Carter), who he desperately wants to bone. The creature, utterly pissed off at what Frankenstein has done (and really, wouldn’t you be if you were him?) comes stampeding after in an attempt to get revenge because no one will ever love him, or even stand to be in the same room with him. Possibly he smells. The Creature goes on a killing spree, attempting to off everyone that Frankenstein loves, which leads to a kind of beating\burning of Elizabeth, so Frankenstein has to reanimate her, only with singed hair and facial lacerations. Things go wrong, and bada bing, you’ve got this movie that, while more faithful to the source material than most, is still the worst Frankenstein adaptation I’ve ever seen.

Why, you may ask? Kenneth Branagh, namely. This tool is one of the worst over actors working today. Every time I see him in something (save Harry Potter, for he was beautifully cast as Gilderoy Lockhart), a little piece of me shrivels up and dies. I hate his sense of self-importance, that ‘I’m a Shakespearian ACTOR, don’t you just want to SWOON?‘ smugness he carries everywhere. Mel Gibson was a better Hamlet, and that’s saying something. Something awful. Also? No one needed to see De Niro’s Frankenweenie, even if it was just a costume. And John Cleese? Seriously? You don’t just toss Cleese in any old spot, you count your lucky stars he gave you the time of day and then you utilize him to his fullest potential. The music is overdone, the cutting is wretched, and everything that makes Mary Shelley’s book brilliant gets lost under the weight of the film’s enormously bloated ego. From the atrocity of Elizabeth’s end to the nightmare that is Branagh’s self-importance, this film is just bad, bad, bad.

Bonus features on this Blu-ray version include: subtitles. Wait, what? Subtitles aren’t a bonus feature, they’re basic human needs! Do DVD companies feel they deserve a big fat pat on the back for making their film so that the hearing impaired can watch it? I’m not hard of hearing (perfect hearing, in point of fact) and I use subtitles all the friggin time! I can only imagine how pissed I would be if I required subtitles due to loss of hearing and saw that DVD companies made subtitles a special feature. What tools. Seriously, people.

Like the novel Frankenstein? Do yourself a favor - don’t watch this movie. In fact, don’t watch any Frankenstein movie - read The Monsters: Mary Shelley and the Curse of Frankenstein by Thomas and Dorothy Hoobler. You won’t have to be subjected to Branagh’s ego, which is a blessing.

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