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This movie proves a monstrous trouser snake will ruin your night as it chokes the life out of you.

In One-Eyed Monster, a porn crew travels out to a remote cabin site in the middle of winter to film a skin flick starring Ron Jeremy (played by the only man who could fill his shorts, the big-man himself). Ron is accompanied by real life friend and porn co-star from the seventies and eighties, Veronica Hart (playing herself) and some younger porn actors (only one of whom is played by a real porn youngster – Carmen Hart). The crew for the shoot consists of a MacGyver-like sound guy, an ex-military cameraman, and a doe-eyed makeup girl (played by Buffy the Vampire Slayer’s Amber Benson).

During the shoot, Jeremy’s (… let’s call it his “schlong” for this review so I don’t have to keep being clever and dancing around dirty words) schlong is taken over by some alien life form. The alien presence wastes no time in detaching itself from Jeremy (killing the well-endowed hedgehog) and running off to cause deadly mischief. One by one, the crew and cast begin to be … boinked … to death by the creeping schlong. Out of the blue, a Nam-vet mountain man (played by Charles Napier – look him up, you know his work if not his name) shows up. He helps pull the survivors together as they prepare to kill the predatory schlong.

Obviously you can tell from the description above (hell, even the title) that One-Eyed Monster is a horromedy and not straight horror. The film is put together very well technically, though some of the cinematography is lackluster at points. The music, acting, (Jeremy and V. Hart come from the old-school of porn when the actors had to be able to act, not just perform) directing, writing (some great back-and-forths), editing, and sfx are well executed. Homage to John Carpenter’s The Thing, Alien, and Aliens are paid without being satirical or goofy. The Brothers Fields (Adam, Jordan, and Scott who co-wrote the film with Adam also directing) are obviously in love with the horror and comedy genres – and their love turns into brilliant expertise when it comes to filmmaking. And they did it all with only one bare-breasted scene in a movie about making a porno. That’s talent!

The film does a fantastic job of realizing its inherent silliness (the “Introducing Ron Jeremy” credit is evidence of that). There’s even a great bonus feature mockumentary about the schlong wrangler. The deadpan performances in this short piece totally sell it as “real” which just sends me up in chuckles every time I think about it. Another funny feature is the teaser trailers. They’re themed around last year’s hit movies W. as well as a special Thanksgiving message. Really hilarious stuff.

Other features included are deleted scenes (with and without commentary), a commentary track for the movie, and alternate takes. The inclusion of a half hour interview with Jeremy and V. Hart regarding their time in the porn industry is a nice plus - cool inside stories and points-of-view on the business are related, while the friendly chemistry between the two porn giants is palpable and honest. It’s like watching your grandparents talk about blowing each other. How does that not sound fun?

One-Eyed Monster is defiantly not for everyone. Tightasses and prudes will hate it. But for the rest of the public (or the “fun people” as I like to call us) will laugh out loud and demand to see it again. A must-buy for the DVD collection!

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