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One Missed Call is the latest in a seemingly never-ending tsunami of glossy Hollywood remakes of Japanese horror flicks, and, while I’m struggling not to be a complete Negative Nancy about it, this one is truly the worst one I’ve come across yet.

Bogged down with stilted, unimaginative direction, a meandering, logic-free, clichéd mess of a screenplay and a cast that seems to be heavily sedated, One Missed Call ‘s single greatest flaw is that it’s exactly what a horror movie should not be.

BORING!

And when I say “boring”, I mean “The running time’s only 87 minutes, yet I managed to fall asleep three times” kinda boring.

Like “I fell asleep three times and didn’t miss a damed thing!” boring.

The gimmick...or, “plot”, if you prefer, centers on a group of friends who, one by one, meet untimely demises after receiving a mysterious voice mail on their cell phones.  The unlucky receiver learns the date and time of their deaths, as well as a snappy sound bite of the few seconds leading up to the big event.

The scares are literally non-existent, even to the cast!  I have never seen a bunch of people so nonchalant about impending death, and frankly, if they don’t care, why should I?  The scariest thing here is the hateful overuse of the irritating, monotonous phantom ringtone.

Look out, Silver Shamrock song!

I have not seen the original film, Chakushin ari, so I cannot say if this premise works better there, but in the American version, the basic concept just sucked anything resembling suspense right out of the story.  As far as the next victim, we already know the “who” and the “when”, so all we’re waiting for is for the poor dope to utter the “trigger” phrase we heard in the message and croak, kinda like getting slimed for saying “I don’t know” on You Can’t Do That On Television, but without the laughs.

The problem here is there’s not much else to the story.  I found the back story behind the calls to be weak and convoluted, and I wonder if something got lost in the translation, because it basically boils down to the asthmatic ghost of a little girl seeking revenge through what’s essentially netherworldly drunk dialing.

Or something…

Either the narrative got hazy, or I stopped caring...or both.

As I said, the performances are uniformly distant and wooden, even from the surprising number of excellent character actors in the supporting cast.  Ray Wise (Reaper, Dead End) and Azura Skye (Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Bones) do their best to breath some life into the goings-on, but their screen time is woefully short, and comedienne/gay diva Margaret Cho is completely wasted in the thankless role of an indifferent police detective.

Warner Brothers must have known what a stinker they had released,since,aside from including both full-screen and letterbox formats, there are absolutely no extras on this DVD. 

And there was much rejoicing.

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