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For some reason, the franchise that refuses to die “treats” us to another fabulous abortion.

Starship Troopers 3: Marauder returns to the roots of the first film and acts as a direct sequel (unlike Starship Troopers 2: Hero of the Federation which just took place in the same universe).  Unfortunately, writer director Edward Neumeier successfully copies Paul Verhoeven’s style on the first one; the result of which is a the wonderfully gritty realism of Robocop mixed with a Joel Schumacher-like love of bright, flamboyant colors.

They story finds main character Col. Johnny Rico (still played by Casper Van Dien) at an outpost holding strong against the bug invaders.  Rico’s second in command, Lt. Link Manion (played by Cécile Breccia) is really hot, but her accent is so thick, I couldn’t understand word one that came out of her mouth.  Rico’s old friends Captain Lola Beck (Jolene Blaylock [ or as I call her, Angelina Jolie Lite]) and General Dix Hauser (Boris Kodjoe) visit the outpost with the armed forces singing sensation Sky Marshall Omar Anoke (Stephen Hogan).  Yup.  The Sky Marshall is a singer that inspires troops in battle and gets kids to sign up for service.  Doesn’t this sound great so far?

On the day that the visit occurs, the bugs break through the fence inducing a terrible-effects battle sequence.  Troopers run around shooting but mostly getting killed.  The outpost itself seems to suffer from same-set-syndrome where it looks like every single corridor in the place is the same damn thing.  That means that I have no idea where anyone is and what group of faceless troopers in the same damn uniforms are getting killed and which ones might be the main characters.

I’ll spare you my thoughts on wading through the middle of this dreck and mention some of the highlights: the Sky Marshall’s music video; a character named Jingo, who I’m not sure was or wasn’t retarded; a naked Voltron-pilot-style sequence; and a lameass final battle sequence.

Starship Troopers 3: Marauder ends on two disappointing notes.  The first of which is that the subtitle’s namesake (personalized mech suits called Marauders) don’t show up until the very, very, very end (like the last 20 agonizing minutes) and have a total screen time of probably less than ten minutes.  Lame!  The second disappointment is the big brain bug that is the size of a planet.  It’s face looks like a human female’s reproductive organ bracketed by scores of eyes and tentacles.  Two of the characters have a long scene directly in front of the things mouth.  I couldn’t concentrate on what they were saying to each other because I kept wondering how bad that thing’s breath must be.  Gross!

The special features include trailers for movies that look way better than Starship Troopers 3: Marauder, a pseudo interesting documentary on the bugs, commercials for the film’s Mobile Infantry, a full-length music video (sung by our favorite Sky Marshall) for the song “It’s a Good Day to Die”, and useless commentary.

I know that there are those of you out there who liked the first movie.  If that’s you, you may enjoy the third installment.  I would urge you to read the Robert A. Heinlein book the franchise is based on first and ask yourself, “Would the author and architect of this universe approve of these films?”  I’m still not sure how this whole mess got started.  I just hope this film is the final nail in this series coffin.

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