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Hitchhiking friends typically end up on the wrong farm in the Virginia countryside in Cameron Romero’s new film, but is the ride at least worth a watch?

I was very curious to see what Staunton Hill was all about, as the trailer I saw roughly a year ago hinted at something reminiscent of Texas Chainsaw Massacre or its hillbilly horror brethren, but as far as I’m concerned director Cameron Romero (son of George, as it’s almost obligatory to note) let me down pretty much completely.  The film is set in Virginia in the fall of 1969, for no reason that’s ever made evident. Nothing in the film requires the period setting, aside from the kids mentioning being on their way to Washington DC to march in a rally in support of equal rights or something to that effect, and I’m sure you could contrive some other reason for them to be heading to DC in modern times, but this is just nitpicking. Back to the plot: Cole (David Rountree), his new girlfriend Jordan (Cristen Coppen), buddy Boone (Kiko Ellsworth), his girl Raina (Christine Carlo) and Trish (Paula Rhodes) are hitching and get picked up by Quintin (Charlie Bodin), who offers to give them a lift via a lesser used highway recommended by the local racist garage mechanic. Oh, and Trish sort of carries a torch for Cole, yet travels with he and HIS NEW GIRLFRIEND (?) cross country.  Got all that?

They set out on their drive, we get some character interaction to sketch in the various relationships and tensions, and then Quintin’s truck overheats, as he’d promised that it might when he first offered them a ride.  They strike out through the woods in hopes of connecting with the more traveled highway that runs parallel, but before they reach a highway they find themselves on a remote farm, where there are no signs of life.  Quintin sneaks off and speaks to an unseen party, telling them that “they’re checking the place out”, he’s obviously in on whatever is in store for them, which was somewhat indicated by his exchanges with the racist mechanic earlier.  Dun dun dun!

The couples settle into the barn for the night, Trish attempts to make a move on Quintin, who soundly rebuffs her, the first sign that there’s probably something wrong with the guy, then a storm blows through and everyone crashes for the night.

Meanwhile, we see some flashes of a family praying over their food, some montage news footage also indicates that there are race riots happening, to reassure us that it’s still the 60’s I guess, then we check back in on our cannon fodder, excuse me, heroes in the barn.

The next morning Cole is roused by the noise of Buddy, the mentally challenged man-child we saw in the dinner scene working in the garden outside, but when he approaches him, Buddy smashes him in the face with a shovel (as you do with strangers in remote areas); Boone attacks Buddy to get him off his friend.  We finally properly meet the Staunton family, as mother Louise (Kathy Lamkin) steps in and introduces Buddy (B.J. Hendricks) and Grandmother Geraldine (Sherry Weston), who sits nearby in her electric wheelchair, defusing the situation by explaining Buddy’s behavior/condition.  Louise invites them to have breakfast, as the phones are conveniently down after last night’s storm, and the truck rusting in the field nearby hasn’t run in years and can’t be used to get them any help. 

Quintin seems oddly antagonistic towards Buddy at breakfast, and Cole and Jordan take time to apologize, trying to distance them from Quintin’s behavior in Buddy’s mind. The guys begin to work on the old truck while they wait for the phone service to hopefully be restored, and we get another slew of flash(backs? I honestly don’t know.)es to an operating room, mentions made of needing skin grafts, etc, and I suddenly realized that I had no idea what these clinical scenes have to do with what’s happening now.  Someone needs skin for grafting purposes, but why would they turn to some hillrats in the woods of Virginia rather than legitimate sources to acquire it?

There’s also the tagline from the cover that puzzles me: “In God’s Name They Prey”, which indicates a religious angle, and Louise does pray in the film, Quintin passes on some free love, but there’s nothing here to indicate religious zealots.  I mean, are they selling skin to build a church or something?  The film is never scary (Papa Romero’s quote on the box be damned, this is most definitely NOT “as scary as it gets”!), there’s the typically unsettling ‘poking around in houses with creepy stuff strewn about’ and some gross scenes towards the end, but nothing is scary about this unless you are just terrified of farms or the idea generally presented in a horror film.  I mean, you can gross me out all you want, but don’t convince yourself that it’s scaring me.

The DVD release of Staunton Hill has no bonus material whatsoever; though a commentary track explaining things a bit more might’ve been appreciated.

I wish I had something positive to say about this film, as it’s shot competently enough and has some okay acting in it for what it is, but overall this film is just a slow boat to nowhere, nothing happens that you can’t see coming a mile away, and you’ve seen the same material presented better in other films.

Pass.

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