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Thirst tries very hard to be everything at once and because of this, fails to be anything more than a very boring… very dry… very LONG 2+ hours stuck in an uncomfortable movie theater chair.

When I walk into a vampire movie, I know to leave my analytical brain at the door.  There’s a general suspension of disbelief that you have to bring into any movie but it always seems like vampire flicks require that little bit extra.  Is it the fangs?  The blood sucking?  The erotic undertones they seem to throw in there?  I don’t know.  What I do know is that it takes just a tad bit more work for me to buy into these stories.

In the history of vampire movies, I’d have to say that I’ve only found a small handful to actually have any entertainment value or artistic merit.  Some examples of (what I consider to be) successful vampire films would be The Lost Boys, From Dusk Till Dawn, The Hunger and Near Dark.  I could definitely name a few more but the basic point is that Thirst would NOT be included on this list.

Thirst is the latest from Chan-wook Park, the writer/director who brought us Sympathy for Mr. Vengeance, Oldboy and Sympathy for Lady Vengeance.  It’s the story of a young priest named Sang-hyeon (Kang-ho Song) who proves that the road to Hell (or at least his own) is paved with good intentions.  Sang-hyeon is an honest and decent man and he’s suffering from a crisis of faith.  The world around him seems to be overwhelmed with death and disease and Sang-hyeon is powerless to offer much more than a prayer and a song.  Fed up with simply holding the hands of dying patients, Sang-hyeon volunteers at a nearby lab and donates his body to disease research in the hopes that his sacrifice might lead scientists to find the cure to this latest plague that’s flared up around the country.  If his death could save even one person, it would be worth it.

Sang-hyeon is infected with this disease and soon suffers its effects – blisters all over his body, excessive bleeding, etc.  Through a simple twist of fate, the blood transfusion he receives turns out to be that of a vampire.  Of course, we don’t know this until later in the movie, but I’m pretty sure I’m not spoiling anything here.

The vampire blood does it’s job and cures Sang-hyeon.  He exits the laboratory and is met by a throng of followers who laud him as a living miracle.  A truly holy being.  Sang-hyeon himself can’t explain his miraculous recovery but starts to put the pieces together as he discovers his newfound strength and speed and… (dun dun duuuunnn) thirst for blood.

I could keep going on since, by this point of the movie, we STILL haven’t even scratched the surface of the main story but to do so would just turn this review into a long and tired exercise.  Which, ironically, is exactly how I felt while I was watching this film.  Listen, I’ve never been one to mind a film with a longer than average running time.  As long as your content is entertaining, I’ll stick with you till the bitter end but Thirst was very inconsistent in both tone and pace.

It seemed that Chan-wook Park was attempting to pay homage to the early films of Sam Raimi (Evil Dead) and Peter Jackson (Dead Alive) by mixing together elements of drama, horror and humor.  An attempt that just didn’t quite hit it’s intended mark.  The key ingredient that worked in favor of Raimi and Jackson was having a main character that was both sympathetic and over-the-top at the same time.  You believed Ash’s fear and desperation while, at the same time, you felt the lightness of the character due to the very cartoony situations that Raimi would put him in.  I believe that Thirst would have benefitted from main characters that were a little more like Ash and less like Edward and Bella from Twilight.  They just oozed this dark, self-important, brooding air that made it impossible to relate in the more humorous parts of the film.

Not only was the direction of our mains lacking but the writing also left much to be desired.  This, again, falls on the shoulders of Chan-wook Park.  Now, I know someone is going to tell me that it’s because I don’t understand Korean films and that they are much more visual and deal more with symbolism and subtext.  No, I got that.  The movie was definitely beautiful to look at and the symbolism was apparent (almost so much so that it smacked you in the face), it still couldn’t escape the fact that scenes were drawn out FAR too long with very little in the way of a payoff for the audience.  I’m finding this to be more and more of an issue, not only with Korean films, but all films.  Someone has to get into the editing room that isn’t emotionally invested in the material and tighten up these movies.

Thirst tries very hard to be everything at once and because of this, fails to be anything more than a very boring… very dry… very LONG 2+ hours stuck in an uncomfortable movie theater chair.  I’m sure your money would be better spent renting Vampire in Brooklyn (shiver).

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