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There comes a time after seeing so many movies you have certain expectations from some actors, especially with Adam Sandler. With him you should expect low-brow, mostly offensive and ultra silly comedies. What started out silly with The Waterboy and The Wedding Singer progressed to the terribly offensive I Pronounce You Chuck and Larry. But nothing prepared me for Sandler shagging Mrs. Garrett (Charlotte Rae) from the ‘80s TV show The Facts of Life. Yes, that Mrs. Garrett. (I didn’t know she was still alive, to be honest.) Expectations for Sandler’s new movie You Don’t Mess with the Zohan? That should tell you right there.

In spite of that unpleasant visual, You Don’t Mess with the Zohan isn’t as offensive as it is just boring. Zohan falls somewhere between the offensiveness of Chuck and Larry and the silliness of Waterboy. It’s low-grade, typically broad Sandler humor with a few amusing moments, though ends up hit-or-miss mediocre. It won’t matter to Sandler fans, though and Zohan should still make money.

Sandler is Zohan, an Israeli super assassin who’s mighty-mouse good at what he does. He has a decent life in Israel though his true desire is to become a hair-stylist, “to make people smooth and silky.” So he fakes his death with his mortal enemy Phantom (John Turturro) and heads to New York City, USA to style hair for Paul Mitchell with 1980’s Paul Mitchell style book in hand. Zohan emerges with a new name, Shaggy Coco (after a couple of dogs) and a new 1980’s retro hairstyle.

Shaggy/Zohan ends up at a Palestinian (of all places) hair salon cutting hair in a unique fashion. Zohan provides a shag with a shag, which he adds after each cut, to mostly older (usually much, much older) women. Cab driver Salim (Rob Schneider) recognizes Zohan as the guy who stole his goat back in Israel and seeks revenge, calling up Zohan’s mortal enemy Phantom to get even. But as we know from the title, you don’t mess with the Zohan.

The best thing about Zohan? It isn’t Chuck and Larry. Writing, which is essential for truly successful comedy, works about half the time here, with the rest falling flat. Unfortunately, it relies heavily on Sandler’s broad comedic charm, an overload of cheap, tasteless sight gags and some unfortunate ethnic stereotypes.

Fortunately, Sandler has some help penning Zohan’s jokes. The ubiquitous Judd Apatow (Knocked Up), and Saturday Night Live pal Robert Smigel (responsible for SNL’s animated shorts TV Funhouse and the voice of Triumph the Insult Comic Dog). They provide a few (albeit mean-spirited) zingers to make Zohan slightly more tolerable than recent Sandler movies. On one hand, it’s nice seeing him in a different role this time – that of muscular kick-ass ladies man, far from the loserish, whiny schlub he typically plays. But even Sandler in a less annoying role can’t help Zohan overcome its tacky premise.

This crude proposition has Zohan bagging many senior citizen women, is so ludicrous the first time as a sight gag, it’s funny - but numerous times – rather unpleasant. The best scenes have Sandler adjusting to his life in America, and Zohan’s script should’ve stuck with this fish-out-of-water schtick. For every moderately funny scene comes a painfully unfunny one of say, hacky-sacking a cat – again, extremely unpleasant.

You’ll see cameos from a lot of familiar faces in Zohan: Chris Rock, Henry Winkler, Kevin James, Kevin Nealon, even Mariah Carey and John McEnroe thrown in for the usual pop-culture measure. Watch for Barry Livingston in a small role, otherwise known as youngest son Ernie from TV’s My Three Sons. And somehow Sandler always makes room for his buddy, the irritatingly unfunny Schneider, this time badly stereotyping an Israeli. Turturro, as Zohan’s mortal enemy Phantom hams it up mightily but generates what few memorable laughs there are.

Speaking of which, the dearth of laughs give way to an explosion-filled finale that finally awakens the movie. Until then, it’s hard to find a hearty laugh. Zohan’s mid-section in particular drags, when Zohan attempts to romance the lovely Dalia (played by the immensely attractive Emmanuelle Chriqui). Throw in additional scenes of cat torture, ethnic stereotypes, old lady sex and some half-hearted message about getting along, and Zohan ends up an offensive boring mess.

Regardless, Sandler is a proven Teflon comedic star status. Like many of his movies, Zohan should be a big hit but he’ll emerge unscathed, ready to move on to his next project. However, I’ll never see Mrs. Garrett from Facts of Life the same again. To paraphrase that show’s theme song – you take a little good, take the very bad, and there you have Zohan.

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